The Ruhge Duo

Link to Dance in the Rain

2011-01-12T09:19:00.002-06:00

Here is the link to the new blog with a new post...please jump over there and follow our story there from now on.

http://itsaboutdancingintherain.blogspot.com/2011/01/12th-of-month.html

A change out of the stagnatisity.

2010-11-12T09:25:00.003-06:00

Stagnant- Not flowing or moving in a current or stream.

Memorial- something that keeps remembrance alive

Stuck- Caught or fixed

Life- the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual

Living- having life

Guilt- feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy

New- made or become fresh, having recently come into existence

Forward- of, relating to, or getting ready for the future

Overcome- to get the better of

There is a change that is (or needs to happen). I can feel it, I have been feeling it, I wasn't sure what it was. It was pointed out to me last night in one of I and Ryan's therapy sessions.

I felt it the other night when I watched my belly move from the tiny baby kicks from my new little one. I felt it yesterday when we went to grandma and grandpa's and didn't go visit Rowan first. I felt it when thinking about buying him a Christmas tree and solar powered lights for his grave. I have felt it when wanting to decorate for Christmas. I have felt it when thinking about getting Hayden's new room ready and getting the nursery ready for the new baby. I felt it when we got family pictures of just the three of us. I felt it when thinking about doing a Christmas memorial drive for Rowan for the Children's hospital. I feel it every time I think of the new baby, feel the new baby, or see the new baby on an ultrasound.

All these thoughts and actions provoke the feeling of being stuck and stagnant in a constant loop of grief. I am in the dangerous area of rebuilding myself and my life into a living memorial for Rowan. I am sure you all know people like this in your lives...maybe I am that person in your life. A person who is is constant reflection of the past and people who have died before them. A person who relates all events, all actions, and all conversations back to the loved one they have lost. Now this is fine for a bit even a year after their loved one's death. But the people who have become a living memorial are those who are still in this stagnant loop for many many years after their loved one's death.

I put up a Christmas stocking for Rowan. Every type of weather that we experience I wonder how it is making Rowan feel back at his grave. I fill the bird feeder so that he can "see" the birds every morning like we used to. I am constantly finding a way to work on a project that honors him, the pond, his hats, his Christmas drive. I was even naming it "Rowan's Christmas Gift" as if he is alive and the one doing it. Every holiday I go and spend a bunch of money on things that get ruined in the rain, wind, sun, or snow. I think about him everyday, everyday I find a way to honor him, everyday I wish he was here.

While all that is good and fine and sounds like how a mother who has lost a baby should be behaving...I have to think about the rest of my life around me, my other purposes. Is my only purpose in life to keep Rowan's memory alive? No, it is not. My purpose is to keep living as I am meant to, as I was doing before our crisis arose. My purpose it to be the best mommy to my living children, to be the best friend and wife to my husband, and to be a whole me. To live and move forward with out guilt.

Some thoughts about all of this:

The therapist equates our situation and our experience to the couples who went through the second world war together...now hear me out. Solider who is about to ship out meets girl...he proposes...he gets sent to war a few days later...she stays in The States, works in the factory, keeps the house, and waits for him. He experiences all sorts of awful things, loses friends, comes near to death. They are both used to a crisis oriented life. This is just their way of life and then the war is over and he comes home. They then have to figure out how to be calm and get out of the crisis mode. Sound familiar. The therapist thinks that Ryan and I are just struggling to NOT live in crisis mode. We have been so geared for things to go wrong all the time that we are not adapting as a couple into normalcy. We are getting there...things between the two of us are really going great...I think it has a lot to do with the tiny new life we have created.

This next thought may sound so awfully cold at first...hear me out before you judge... You know that cleansing that needs to be done after a bad breakup, or even at the end of a rough school year? Where you pack things away or even give things away that remind you of those hard feelings. I used to pack every thing from a boyfriend into a box or a bag and shove it under my bed or into my closet and then proceed to clean and rearrange my bedroom. I would start doing my hair differently, wear clothes I never wore around him and even start to hang out with new friends. I so, so, so badly want to cleanse myself of the past and start living for the future. I want to be able to change some of his pictures out with the new family pictures we just took, and even make room for the new baby's pictures. I want to be able to get the nursery ready for a fresh new start for the new baby. I want to be able to let a holiday pass without the nagging feeling of needing to acknowledge him so that he doesn't feel left out. I want to be able to have a fresh start with out the guilt.

When he first passed...this is pretty dang close to where I was. I was so filled with relief that I was excited for our future. I was so excited for play dates, and to be a normal family, and to possibly have more children. I didn't want to decorate his grave it just didn't seem like that would matter much because he wasn't there he was somewhere better. I was happy, because he was happy. And then the guilt set in...and I did everything differently because I was trying to appease the guilt. I have been stuck in a loop of guilt...not moving forward and not paying much attention to the great things around me. It is time to overcome and move on.

We had planned on keeping Rowan a household name and making sure all of our children knew everything about him. Now we will inform them of him and talk about him to them on occasion and when ever they ask, but we won't involve him in every family occasion and holiday as I thought we would. It was pointed out to me that it may not be fair to our other children, who have never known him. They don't need to carry the grief over a brother they have never met. This is very different than what I had originally thought, but it feels right.

A noticeable change in myself...
I have rearranged myself and who I am because I lost my baby. Some of these changes are for the better, but most of them are not. I am very bitter about life, when I really shouldn't be...we had a much, much easier route than most parents of special needs children. I need to appreciate my beautiful daughter and all that she will become. I need to appreciate my wonderful husband and all that he makes possible, and I need to start getting really excited for the future...I am going to have a baby! And my gut instinct says, everything is just fine with this baby. Everything I do, I first think about what a mother with a baby in heaven should do. I think about what others expect me to do. I think about what I think I should be doing for Rowan, not Hayden, not Ryan, not myself. I need to make myself move forward. I need to overcome my guilt and my fear of judgment and start living, not as a memorial for my son, but as a whole person, mother, and wife.

I need to get into my head that he is a memory and that it is something that happened. And that no matter how much I may miss him I don't ever want him back here. Not the way he was. And in reality any moping, or honoring, or money spent on him is not bringing him back...it is only going to hurt my family and myself. He is a memory not a living person anymore.

We will still go visit his grave and probably decorate it some still, but not go over board or make it a huge priority. I will continue with Rowan's Warmth, it will be my one outlet to honor him and help living kids that have hard issues to deal with. We will print the blog out and keep it as a memorial keepsake that will be packed away for Hayden to read someday when she wants to know about her first year and a half. We will have their videos and pictures, but they will not be a focus. I will learn to know that it is ok to give away and donate his things when we no longer need them for our living children.

Ryan and I have talked about this a lot off and on with out even knowing it. He is to this point. He has been at this point and he is pretty much guilt free. It is just the difference between a man and a woman and how each of us grieves. I will need to force myself into this new way of thinking for awhile and keep kicking the guilt out of my head.

One way of moving forward is to stop this blog and start a new one with a new focus. A focus on our family, our budgeting, our new life. A new blog with a new name and a new look. And of course once this new blog is ready I will post it here and you can all jump over to follow us there...and some of you lurkers can start following us too!

My therapist thinks (that sounds so hoity-toity), I should find a way to publish The Ruhge Duo blog into a book and sell it from the new blog. This would give my experience, my writing, my grief, and Rowan a new purpose. Other parents hurting from a similar experience could get encouragement from our survival.

Here is to repurposing my life, my grief, my energy. Here's to a fresh start!

The Wednesday Run Down

2010-11-10T08:19:00.003-06:00

It's been awhile since I have really posted. Thank you to those who keep on reading even though I am sure it is not so exciting (and that is a good thing!). I've have enough excitement for more than my one life time...hopefully. Anyway I have a lot to say about a lot of different things so here it all comes in my favorite format...lists.

#1. Week one of our new budgeting project...has gone well. Kind of...we have stayed on track I think, but it has been hard. We have already: Had a major "I don't think we can do this" meltdown, eaten a meal of pancakes, given up many things that we would have otherwise done or bought.

I really, really wanted to get a digital photo book of ALL of Rowan's great pictures. Snapfish had a deal going of buy one book get TWO free! That would have saved us $130. I would have given the other two books to the grandparents. We couldn't spring for the $65 at a the time and now the deal is over. But, it is all for a good cause...and I know sometime we will get the book! If you see this deal again TELL ME ASAP!

Meals have gone great! I have stuck to my written out menu very well. We are eating what we have in stock, and have eaten very well. Hayden is even eating what I cook almost every night! I love that she has not had mac and cheese in over a week!

#2. A wonderful friend, Patti is helping me get caught up with all the Christmas orders for the Rowan's Warmth Hats. I feel bad that I have "outsourced" my labor, but it is a good thing that I am swamped with orders. I have started including a written piece that tells Rowan's story and why Rowan's Warmth is something to be shared.

The other night Patti and I had a absolutely wonderful evening at Panera knitting and chatting away well after they closed. At one point in the evening a young mom came over to our table and complimented us on the hats. She wanted to buy one right then but she didn't have the cash on hand. I gave her one of the tags for the hats and told her to look us up on facebook. (Which by the way has 270 some fans. What a popular little man!) I told her his whole story from beginning to end. She was crying. I was overjoyed! I got to share my little hero with someone else in this world. And I knew for the rest of the night her mind would be thinking of my little man. And I know he can feel that love. It was moment full of goosebumps for all involved!

#3. I have been trying to make sure I spend some special time with Hayden as much as I can as I know it is going to be very, very cold and possibly snowing in a month or so. On Monday night we went to Fontenelle Forest here in Bellevue. It was a nice hike through the woods that maybe a pregnant lady with no cell phone and her toddler near dusk should not have been doing. I forgot how long and hilly even just the board walk is. And we had the big 'ol Step 2 wagon. I was huffing and puffing! I didn't realize though how connected I felt to Rowan there. I was reminded of him everywhere. I saw the bench that we sat at while I hooked up his feeding, I saw the hut that we took the babies pictures, I could see in my mind's eye the double snap and go stroller rolling through the woods. In the parking lot I got a major deshavu when I was digging the wagon out of the back of the van...I couldn't believing how real and fresh the memory of pulling out the stroller and all the medical stuff. It was tougher than I thought. This was the only place I ever got to take and show off my twins. This was the only place where I ever went with them where no one knew who we were or what we were dealing with. For a few hours last fall we got to pretend that we were "normal" and everything was ok. I wonder if Rowan ever goes and visits this place to remember that day just as Hayden and I did. Here is the post from last fall with a few pictures of our afternoon.

Last night Hayden and I also played in the leaves in our back yard. Here are a few pictures and a video...I don't think she had any fun at all.

#4. Here is a public service announcement: Get Your Flu Shot! Whether you "believe" in them or not, go get one. You have no idea how frightened parents of medically fragile children are to even jsut go to the grocery store, or out to eat, or get gas. If you get your flu shot you could be saving a young life. You never know if the person in line next to you is a mother, or father, or caregiver of a fragile little one. Use Your Sanitizer! We have jugs, and I mean jugs of sanitizer all over our house. It is used extensively. Use yours as well. Some say that sanitizer weakens your immune system as it doesn't get the chance to build up an immunity. That maybe true, but not something I am going to chance when it is a little one at risk. They will have plenty of time to build up an immunity when they are older and stronger. Keep Your Little Ones Safe By Keeping Them In! In our household we were very, very strict about not taking the babies out even to family events until we felt safe. We still do not bring Hayden to large indoor events unless we have to. Babies systems are not as capable of tackling viruses. My personal opinion is that everyone should be a lot more careful about bringing their new babies out and about no matter the season or if they were a preemie or term. Their little systems are just not ready for all the junk that is out there.

#5. Today is Hayden's last therapy session at PTC. It is going to be very hard to leave that place for the last time. I feel pretty connected to Rowan and other like him while I am there. And today I get to take her as the twin boys are getting picked up early. I know it is a good thing that she is done. She has worked hard to get where she is and many children are working hard there for years and years. I just love the people there. They have been such a support to us...way more than they will ever know! No matter what type of child we had they ALWAYS treated us with respect and ALWAYS respected and appreciated Rowan for all that he was. I can not say enough good about them.

#6. I am insanely obsessed with Christmas this year...our tree is already up and I love it and I don't care what anyone else thinks. So many people have said, "By Christmas you will be so sick of the holiday.". I do not think so...I think that we get a whole month more to enjoy it and look forward to it. I already have a ton of shopping done and most of it is already wrapped and under the tree. And Hayden is doing pretty good with the tree. She is a good listener most of the time.

#7. I am fifteen week pregnant today! I am weaning myself off the progesterone...which is worrisome, but I am sure it will turn out ok. I just get to spend two weeks paying attention to any sign of an impending miscarriage. I have already started feeling the little one kick and wiggle. I love it! I am really really starting to feel like this is real and that in less than six months we will have a tiny one here again! I am looking at the bassinet in our room much differently...I just can not wait until I have my baby here to love and snuggle and rock.

#8. I have been organizing all the babies' videos getting them ready to put them on a DVD. There are so many of them that I have never even watched before. There are a bunch that were from the NICU. Giving baths and doing cares. They are great to have and I am glad that we do have them, but they were very hard to watch. It reminded me so much of how hard it is to be in the NICU and how for us almost everyday there was a decision to make about our baby boy....decisions that effect the rest of his life. Another round of steroids or have a trache put in, to keep trying to feed orally or to get a G-button. Not a single day was easy. And those videos really show that. You can hear so nurses talk us through some of these decisions while we are giving baths. The sound of the C-pap machine gave me chills.

#9. A few weeks ago Ryan and I plants 15-20 yellow and red tulip bulbs around Rowan's headstone. Hopefully this spring it will be a great show of color.

#10. Hayden had her 18 month check-up the other day. She is still 18lbs (she has been for six months). And she is 30 inches tall. She is doing great with everything. We are starting vocab with the potty training...just getting her used to and giving her the knowledge of what that is all about. She has about 10-15 words and she has about 10 teeth. The doctor is very happy with her. She goes to the eye doctor next week for a check-up. That should not be anything too interesting, just a check-up.

Two Years ago Today

2010-11-01T12:48:00.002-05:00

I tested positive on a pregnancy test. I was pregnant for the third time. This time though they stuck...and a few weeks later we found out it was twins! Today I have an ultrasound to see our newest little family member (3.8 inches to be exact). I can't wait! I hope all goes well.

The Ruhge Household Budget Crunch

2010-11-01T07:50:00.008-05:00

It starts today...

There is a change coming and hopefully staying in our household. Currently I watch two little boys five days a week, starting in January I will be unemployed. By choice. For reasons I will get into a bit later. Because of this income change we are adjusting a few major things around here.

Now I don't earn a huge amount watching the boys, but it was more or less our "buffer" income. This will be the first time we are going to this low of an income since we have owned our own home. Ryan makes a good income, we are very lucky for that, the problem is the more you make the more you spend....we are not crunching because we won't be able to pay our bills if we don't crunch. We are crunching to help control our(my) spending on silly stuff.

The "buffer" income allowed me to buy things on Craig'slist for Hayden or I that we "NEEDED". It allowed for random trips to Target for one thing, and we all know how those turn out. It allowed me to shop around on Amazon, Zulily,and Babysteals. It allowed for us to get beautifully thought out portraits of our family 1-2 times a year. And of course it allowed for my weekly home delivered Jimmy John's Italian Nightclub sandwich. As you can see this is going to be a big change for us(me).

But the benefits of this change greatly outweigh the losses. I will be home all day with my baby girl and soon enough my other tiny little one(Hi baby! I love you! Can't wait to meet you!). Many of you will say, but you are home with her now, why change? There is a BIG difference to be HOME BOUND with your child and being able to make choices of how you spend your day. While watching twin 8 month old I feel like I just barely fit in time with Hayden and when I do play with her I am exhausted and often times very CRABBY! I have snapped at my baby girl too many times in the last few months and it is from the stress of being responsible for three under the age of 2. We have a membership pass to almost every child centered super cool thing here in town that we barely use because we can't leave the house. And with Hayden being a preemie and me being a very much aware former teacher...I want to make sure Hayden stays on top of her milestones and what better way to do that than getting lots of time to play with other kids her own age. That's right all my local mommies we will be ready for all those play-dates and outing we've had to turn down.

And the benefits for the new baby...ABSOLUTELY #1 reason...cuddling....no really, breastfeeding. How on earth would I get breastfeeding in while taking care of the three others? I have no idea? I am afraid I would give up, and I would not be able to handle the guilt of that one. And quality care for both my children (and those I watch), by being with just two children the quality of the time spent will be much better, instead of just running from child to child making sure he/she is feed and/or changed. And God forbid this baby come early or I am put on bed rest, I don't want to leave the boys' parents in a lurch for needing a babysitter.

Ryan has been asked to help keep me focused on all these benefits mentioned above. Every time I whine about wanting to buy something I "NEED", He is supposed to ask me "what did you get to do with Hayden and ________ this week?, Is this item worth more than whatever it was that you got to enjoy with your kids?" Some of you may think this sounds like a condescending male, but it will help me know where my priorities should be.

Ok so here is the plan, that we came up with. We could have Dave Ramsey-ed it, but I wanted to find something that was a change that we could easily transition to. I thought if we went too extreme we wouldn't be as willing to commit and stick with it.

Each month we will fill out a monthly expenses worksheet. On this sheet I have listed both our non-flexible and flexible bills. At the beginning of each month we will go through and fill in what our goal is to spend on each item, this is of course more for the flexible bills, i.e. groceries, gas, utilities, etc. Then at the end of each month we go back and fill in what we actually spent on each item. I am a visual person I need to see where I messed up so that I know exactly what to work on.

Sorry this pic is side ways...it WOULD not rotate for me. Weird..

I didn't think saving receipts was going to do it for us (I lose EVERYTHING). So I made up another worksheet(I am a teacher you know). This sheet is taped to the refrigerator. It has a section for each flexible spending item. When we come in the door every night or after every trip to any store, we will write in what we bought, in it's correct section, whether it be gas for the car, three gallons of milk, something for a fix-it project around the house, or of course on that rare occasion...a Jimmy John's sandwich. This is to be done for EVERY penny spent.

As the month goes on we will see where we are having trouble...I like constant feedback, even if it is my refrigerator giving it to me. We will be able to adjust our spending as the month goes on. Also everyone who walks into our kitchen will be able to see if we have been responsible with our money or not...that thought right there I think will curtail my silly purchases.

Now for the third step...feeding my family healthy meals on a budget. I am scared. I am afraid I do not know how to do this. Growing up, my parents believed in "living off the land" and almost everything but milk and bread, flour, sugar was homegrown either by us, our neighbors, or our family. How's that for organic! We were cool before we knew it was cool! Actually we were just poor. Anyway...I live in the middle of a suburb...I don't think my neighbors would like it if I started "living off the land" in my own back yard. Before I met my husband I had never in my life had Hamburger Helper...now I love the stuff...but I know how absolutely horrible boxed dinners are for you. My mother could cook a chicken or two one day and make it into at the very least three different meals for our family of seven. I do not have that skill. I am looking for a cookbook that helps with this idea. Like one that tells you how to make a meal and then what to make with the leftovers.

My solution so far was to do a household log of what we have in our cupboards. I made a spreadsheet of all the items that we buy all the time, or use all the time, that are not frills. I ran around our house with my binder and pen and tallied every light bulb, pork chop, shampoo bottle and roll of toilet paper in sight. I was very surprised by how many pork chops we had in our freezer, and by how many bags of egg noodles we have. Now today before I go to the store I am going to look up simple recipes for egg noodles and for pork chops. The idea is to eat our surplus before we load up on frozen pizzas among other things. After each item/package is used I will cross it off in the binder, and when another one is purchased it will get "logged". This is going to be a hard habit to start but I think it will be so so so very useful to know exactly what our inventory is at any given time.

That way when we see we have spent too much in one area towards the end of the month we know it is pancake dinner for us for awhile. We lived on pancake our first year of marriage...it's like $3 for a box and all you do it add water...and that box will feed you for two weeks! Amazing! Just kidding it is not so amazing to eat pancakes for two weeks.

As far as coupons go...I am not a believer. I think coupons cause me to spend money on something I wouldn't usually buy. Now if I find one on something I buy then great but otherwise...I think they are too tempting to try the latest and greatest. I also am not afraid to by the store brand (at most stores)...and so a coupon on the name brand is often times still more expensive than the store brand. And we shop at Costco for much used items anyways. If you have a coupon strategy that really works for you, tell me ASAP...I'd love to use them as a resource that does more good than harm.

We have factored in Christmas and the new baby. I am a year round Christmas shopper I hit clearance sales constantly with my eyes peeled for Christmas present ideas. This summer I hit two major sales as Hallmark and Yankee Candle. I have most all my shopping done for almost every woman on my list already! I also make things for gifts. Like all the men always get a box of fudge(I don't think they'd have it any other way), and often times I will have some craft project for the gifts for the women on my list.

And as for the new baby...the only few factors of spend with him/her is the medical bills(which are already rolling in, there goes our tax return), and co-pays at the Dr.'s office, and the paint to be purchased for Hayden's big girl room, a stash of small sized Fuzzi Bunz diapers, and maybe a few more tubes of desitin. That's it. We cloth diaper so there is no expense for diapers each week, and I am planning to breastfeed. With the great luck I had breast feeding the twins I will be very very surprised if this doesn't work out even if I just pump like I did for them. We have all the baby gear, clothes, and toys for either gender through their first year. If it is a girl we will have clothes for life (poor girl, hand-me downs for life). I am a stain Nazi so the kids' clothes are like new. And when we do buy clothes we hit the kids' consignment sales/stores. And Hayden's big girl room items are being factored into her "I want" list for Christmas.

A few more things with the plan...

Amazon, Craig'slist, Zulily, babysteals, will be blocked on my computer. And as of today and I a brand new Scentsy consultant. It is a direct sales company that sells long lasting, great smelling wax and firesafe, kidsafe, petsafe wax warmers. Once I get my website up I will link it from here. I think this will be a fun, social way to make a little extra money and to get out of the house on my own once in a while. I am super excited for this.

I am excited to see how well we can do. I am excited to get rid of some of the unnecessary frills, and prove that they are frills. I am excited to prove to my husband that I can do this. And I am excited to move back into that elite, very, very lucky, hardworking, stay at home mommies.

A Couple of Super Cute Videos

2010-10-29T20:43:00.002-05:00

I have been video taping like crazy lately, here are a couple of my favorites from this week.

This first one is of her and I working on her words. She was not cooperating with her word Block...she knows it, but would not pick one up for me. On most days everything is a block.

This second one is of her painting her first picture. I LOVE this video. She painted 8 of these scarecrows for friends and family for Halloween when we visit them for Trick-or-Treating.

Can I Brag for a Minute?

2010-10-25T12:00:00.002-05:00

Hayden...is turning into a wonderful little girl. Not that she wasn't before but man I just can't get enough of her most days.

Her mood in general...is so happy and content 90% of the time. She cries when she needs something (ie food, nap, change) or is not feeling well. Other than that she is either happy and talking up a storm or is quiet and soaking up the world around her. I get much of nothing done some days because I am just watching her discover her world. It is amazing to actually watch her learn something new with no help from anyone.

She eats! And she eats well! She eats a big breakfast (two packets of instant oatmeal and a full sized yogurt) and a big dinner(whatever we are having), but not much for lunch. She snacks throughout the day one cheerios and bananas. I am so happy that she eats so well and so easily.

She sleeps so so so well! We have been so lucky with this since the beginning. A month after she came home (she was about 2 1/2 months old) she started sleeping through the night. We would rock her or bounce her in a vibrating bouncing chair and then carry her to her crib. This was the same for naps except that she would sleep in her bouncy chair in the living room. I was never too careful about noise waking her up...she learned to sleep through it.

At about 11 months she started to rebel a little about getting put in her crib at night. We started the Cry It Out method. After only three nights of about 1/2 hour of crying she was putting herself to sleep like a pro. I think it has to do with the strict routine we put in place...jammies, brush teeth, three story books, and then she is put in her crib with her monkey soother she's had since she came home. She has had her bad weeks but for the most part she has been a model child for this method. I know the grandmas and some others close to us weren't too thrilled with the idea of not rocking our sweet baby to sleep, but I think now that they have seen the results they are completely on board. Lately for naps and bed when she is put into the crib with her puppy and her blankie she smiles and rolls over. Not a singe squeak is heard from her after that! What an amazing girl! Some say it is just her personality and it may be, but I also think it is our commitment to helping her learn this skill.

She is starting to build her vocabulary. The word block went from "Ott" to "Ock" in about a week. She is also saying duck, puppy, ball, yummy, and of course mama, and daddy. She recognizes a ton of words, but does not say them yet. When we say Lucy she gets very excited and points to the kitchen(where our patio doors are, and where Lucy is often times seen begging to come in). She babbles and babbles and babbles.

And last but not at all least....SHE CAN FINALLY WALK!!!!!!!! She is almost 18 months and is finally walking!!!! This goal has been wearing on Ryan and I for a long time. She has had the skills for the longest time, she just needed the confidence. Here is a video of her showing off her new skill at the Children's Museum last Saturday.

Today is the day!

2010-10-20T08:14:00.000-05:00

Today is the day that I have hoped to reach,

today is the day that throws us over that threshold,
today is the day that we can start thinking about the future,
today is the day that I can tell the world what I have been hiding...

84 days...
2.2 inches long...
Lots of moving and groovin'...
12 weeks...
3 ultrasounds...
due to come just 3 days before the twin's 2nd birthday...

Ruhge Baby #3 is coming!

There are so many feelings and emotions and actually already a scare of a blighted ovum that I have wanted the blog about, but couldn't. I am glad to be able to tell everyone of the little bean that is growing and growing inside me. I am positive that before conception babies are assigned to you and that even while in utero they can move freely between heaven and earth. I believe big brother Rowan has already met this little baby and is enjoying his time getting to know him up in heaven (or where ever Rowan's spirit is).

The really fun part of all of this is that we are not finding out if this is a baby girl or a baby boy. We do have names that we are not telling, the boy's begins with a R and the girl's begin with a H.

Now I know the question that is running through all of your minds (as it is in ours)...Is there a risk of a genetic abnormality?

When we were tested while in the NICU none of us (Ryan, Hayden, or I) showed any sort of markers or silent carriers or anything of the such. Therefore there should not be anymore of a chance of it happening again than there is for anyone expecting a child. But we worry still. We did not do a CVS, because our doctor strongly advised against it because of the risk of miscarriage and my history of miscarriage. We will be seeing a perinatologist again around 20 weeks and if they see anything questionable(as they did with Rowan) then we will do an amnio...or just wait as we did with Rowan.

Scared...yes. Excited...yes. hopeful...yes.

Today is an Important Day.

2010-10-17T09:55:00.004-05:00

I should be cleaning and getting ready for the almost 50 people we are expecting in 4 hours...but I am here blogging. No really Ryan is mowing, Hayden is happily watching him, I have a caramel apple pie in the oven, diapers in the washer(a must when you are having even one guest over), and all that is left to do is pick up, scrub a little, vacuum, set up all the tables and chairs, and polish myself a little. The list sitting on my kitchen counter right now is a lot more intimidating than that list above. So I will keep blogging...

Today we are having a pie social to celebrate the finishing of the pond that was built by Ryan and his dad in Rowan's honor. We wanted to share this with all our family and friends that supported us in the last seven months since he has been gone. Many of them came out of the woodwork so to say, to stand by our side through this.

I have been thinking about him so so so much lately...I can not dwell on it for more than a minute at a time or I will break down. It has become very sensitive again. As if another layer of numbness has been peeled away. I can't understand why...I know I need to move on from the why, but I am a "why" sort of person. That is why math and I never got along...I needed to know why I did each step to a formula and there is not a why it was always a, "you just do it, that's why".

Today a permanent sign is being put into place that says "Rowan's Pond". This is the last thing. Not only the last thing for the pond itself, but the last thing for Rowan's death. We have had: his visitation, his funeral, his quilt being made, his headstone being placed, his medial at the zoo being put in, his tile being finished, and now the pond. This is the last thing. Should I all of a sudden move on?

I realized the other day he has been gone longer than he was home with us. He was home with us for around seven months. He has been gone seven months. And in just three months he will be gone longer than he was alive. All this before we even hit the one year mark of him being gone. A lot to soak in. He was only here for such a little time...does that mean I should not be so hurt about him being taken away? I think mostly I grieve for the life he didn't get, the years he didn't have, the events he didn't get to experience. All for what, what was so important that he needed to be the way he was and had to leave when he did? There is that "why" again.

I think Rowan was saying hello to me last night. I know...weird... but I do what I can to feel him near. I was cleaning the spare room, getting ready for the welcomed infestation of family and friends. I have rearranged, and vacuumed, and cleaned this room many times since he has been gone. This room was where he slept at night so that his seizures didn't wake his sister. This room is where we got him ready for bed every night. Where we treated his button site, where we put his jammies on, where we slathered him in his Baby Bee lotion, where we started his night feeding and his morning feeding. Sometimes when I can't sleep I go into this room and sleep in this bed and imagine he is in the pack and play next to me. I try to hear the "rrrrrrurrrr" of his feeding pump, and his grunts and squeaks, and the sound of his breathing. I try but most the time I have forgotten what all that sounds like.

Anyway last night I found the clear white cap that went on the red plastic plug of a brand new feeding bag. Those of you Tubie moms and dads out there know exactly what this is and probably have them littered in odd places in your child's room. It was just sitting there in the wide open space of that carpeted room, not under something, not behind something, not under the bed. It was just sitting there as if I just dropped it there earlier that day. And if that wasn't enough...as I was making the bed I found a piece of his medical tape stuck to the fitted sheet. Now I am a cleanly person and these sheets have been washed countless times since he has been gone. And yeah it could have been stuck there even through the washer and dryer those many times, but to see the tape and the cap with in minute of each other...I think my baby was saying "Hi mama! I am thinking of you too!" at least that's what I made myself think anyway.

Well...Ryan is done mowing and is now doing my vacuuming...so I really should get up and help him or at least check on my pie.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Lots of Fall Fun!

2010-10-13T12:32:00.008-05:00

In the past few weeks Hayden and I have hit up some of the local pumpkin patches for some weekend fun. Last weekend we went to Vala's Pumpkin Patch with, Grandma Ruhge, Aunt Erika, and cousin Lexi and Daddy.
I can honestly say I think a goat is at the top of Hayden's "I Want!" list. She absolutely loved them.

Riding on the Barnyard Adventure ride with Aunt Erika, cousin Lexi, and Daddy.

Chillin' in Storybook Land with Cousin Lexi and Bo Peep.

Playing in the tepee.

Sharing a stroller ride with Lexi while waiting for the Hayrack...neither one of them enjoyed.

Grabbing and talking to the camera on the Hayrack.

Picking out her pumpkin.

Two Cute Pumpkins.

My little Pumpkin...family and friends look for this one in your mail box soon!

I want this one!

A few weeks earlier we went to the Bellevue Berry Farm with some friends.

Here she loved the horses!

And the horses loved her!

Almost my favorite picture ever!

Hangin' in the Tepee!Snack time!

The girls on the Hayrack!

Ready to get this ride going!Baby girl fell asleep on the Hayrack.

The pumpkin I picked to take home with me!

Hayden and her two baby pumpkins she picked out...she is still (two weeks later) very attached to them.

The Special Mother

2010-10-13T08:36:00.002-05:00

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressure and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjotie; daughter. Patron saint, Celcelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have patience?" asked the angel.

"I don't want her to have to much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make her life in his world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."

And what about her Patron saint? asked the angel, his pen poised in mid - air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

"I miss the years that were erased"

2010-10-04T13:57:00.003-05:00

Stolen from Ann's blog...I found this song to be fitting.

From Where You Are by Lifehouse

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

2010-10-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as proclaimed by Former President Ronald Reagan in 1988. Officially recognized in the United States in 2006, October 15th of every year is National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day, a special day to honor and acknowledge babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome-SIDS, illness, accidents, and other tragic causes. In addition to your own personal tributes, it is asked that you light a candle at 7pm on October 15th, so that a continuous light will shine around the world in remembrance of our precious babies, gone too soon. -Forevermychild.com

I myself have had two miscarriages. Though both of them were very, very early they both hurt and damaged that happy bliss you are supposed to have when you first see those two pink lines. Each time I would get the + after the first miscarriage I would be in an instant panic that every twinge, every stretch, everything that I did would cause my baby to die.

My first positive test was in July of 2008. We had been actively trying for a month. I thought I was one of those lucky ones who got pregnant so easily. Or as my mother says it, (a mother of five accidents) she could get pregnant just by being looked at in the right way. Arrggh!!

I had taken the test after Ryan left for work, I was home during the days as I was at the time a school teacher. I could not even believe it was positive. I had my suspicions, but this was only my first time, I had no idea what all those symptoms meant.

The second a woman sees a positive result she becomes a mother. I instantly imagined what this little poppy seed was going to be like. What it would be like to have my very own cute little bug. Every thought went through my mind. I thought of a bright blonde haired blue eyed little boy or a curly red haired little girl. I imagined the swing set in the back yard...everything all in an instant.

Immediately called my best friend Aimee and we talked about how unbelievable it was. We gushed over ideas of what the future for this little bean was going to be like. My due date was the end of March even, Ryan's birthday is the end of March.

I even instantly knew when we would announce it to the family. Ryan's family was having a big family get together at the end of July and even though I would not be anywhere close to out of the 1st trimester we were going to tell everyone anyways. I mean miscarriages were things that happened in Lifetime movies or to a distant aunt or cousin. It was not something that happened to me.

I went to Borders on cloud nine and bought an informational pregnancy book, a fun pregnancy book, and pregnancy calendar, and a copy of a children's book that Ryan loves. I was so excited. I even announced it on the Nest that day.

By the time Ryan got home I was bursting at the seams. I had written inside the children's book "Congrats Daddy". I gave him the book and told him to look inside. He knew immediately what it meant. He started crying...he was so happy. I couldn't even believe this was my life. So freakin' perfect and easy.

The next morning I woke up and took another test...just for fun, if you have been pregnant before you will understand the obsession you get at watching it turn positive. Well it didn't. It was a digital test and it seemed like it was screaming and laughing at me when it read "Not Pregnant". I still had the one from the day before that said "Pregnant" you A-hole! I was so mad at that test. I did not know what this meant as I was very new to this whole making babies game.

I still had all my symptoms. I must still be pregnant. I was going to wait for four hours and test again. But before that four hours rolled around I had already started to miscarry. We had just moved to town a month earlier, I did not have an OB yet. I did not know what to do. I asked for suggestions on the nest the day before and had searched them out with our insurance. I called the nearest one to me.

I could not even get through my sentence without bawling to the receptionist on the phone. She transferred me to a nurse and I had to say it all over again. She had me come in right away. In my head I thought maybe they have some kind of magic something or other and they can still save my baby. Nope no such miracle. She just took blood and said they couldn't really do anything but confirm it. The next day it was confirmed that I was pregnant but my hormone levels were so low that I

I called Ryan, called my mom, and called my sister, and my best friend. None of which had ever had any experience with miscarriage. I cried and cried to all of them. I packed away the books and mourned in my own head for weeks. The thought came to my head that life had been pretty easy maybe this was going to be our obstacle. Maybe we wouldn't be able to produce our own children.

A month went by with no positive test. The two months after the first miscarriage (September) I had all the classic signs of pregnancy. I just knew it...but was scared to death to test. By this time I was teaching again. At least I had something to distract me. I was going to wait until I was late to test. That week we went on a whole class field trip. While on the field trip I started miscarrying again. I was a monster of a teacher that day. The next day I went for a blood test. Again a miscarriage was confirmed. All I could do for the next few weeks was look at these naughty, naughty middle schoolers and think "your parents could have you, why can't I have children."

By now my OB had a theory of what was going on. I had a hormone deficiency. Progesterone is a hormone that kicks in to tell your body that you are pregnant. It protects the pregnancy from being dispelled. Luckily she prescribed me Prometrium which is a progesterone supplement.

The following month I was pregnant again. I went for blood work as soon as those two pink lines showed up. Hormone levels were looking good. Every week for a month I went and got my levels checked. The whole time I was just expecting to miscarry. Every thing I felt I was sure it was a sign of miscarriage. By ten weeks I was feeling a bit safer. We went for our first ultra sound and were very, very excited to see two little beans jumping around on the screen.

Now obviously you know that this all has a bittersweet ending, but wanted to share this part of my life in honor of others out there that are struggling with infertility and chronic miscarriages. I have learned how very, very common miscarriages are and that it happens to almost half of women out there. Please take a moment to think of these women and if you know someone who has miscarried...try to reach out to them...I promise you they are still hurting from it.

Dear Buddy,

2010-09-28T11:14:00.002-05:00

I think about you all the time, but even more so lately. I can't even think about what to say to you when I try to talk to you. All I can say is I'm sorry. That is the only thought in my head, is that I am sorry that you got such a crappy deal in life. I do not understand it. It is very very unfair. I am constantly told to think about what your purpose here on earth was. I can not figure it out. I would never want to belittle you by saying your purpose was to make your mama a better, stronger person(though you did). I don't want to ever think that you were here to suffer just for me.

I know that there was nothing I did to hurt you, but I am the one person that is to keep you safe and happy. I wasn't able to. I hear so many lullabies where the mama is singing about keep their baby safe. I didn't do that for you. But I have no idea how I could have either. That is what is hard. I tried my hardest and still didn't succeed.

I know that you are not mad at me, and that you are better now. It is just awful to know that the only way for you to be better and happy is away from your family.

I am trying to move on and am doing a pretty good job of it too. Most everyday I am happy and happy for your relief. I am and always will be grateful that you got to go to heaven as soon as you did. I listen to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and imagine your journey to heaven that night. I wonder if you were excited to feel no pain, if you were scared about leaving, if you were in awe of everything you were seeing and passing by.

I hope you see how many people love you and care about you, though i wish they would have been here to get to know you when you needed them. So many people know your name and know how very very strong you were. I love when I get to tell strangers all about you.

I know that you are playing with your puppies and you know what? Your little sister has come to LOVE anything that has to do with puppies. I think she misses you and knows you like puppies and like any little sister she wants to be like her big brother.

I will never let your siblings ever forget about you. Everyone will know you and everyone will know your strength. You will be an inspiration to them for their whole life I am sure.

There is so much I wish I was able to do with you as you grew up. I wish I was helping you walk. I wish I was wrestling with you as I do with your naughty sister. I wish I was giving you fun bubble baths. I wish we could play in the leaves again this year...you would have more fun this year. I wish I was getting you ready for Halloween and thinking about what you will think about the Christmas tree. I wish I could see you and Hayden playing...I know you both would be having so much fun together...my double trouble.

The other night I could not sleep I needed to see you. I got up and watched a ton of your videos...I love them!

I love you buddy! Thank you for being such a wonderful, strong little man.

Love, Mama

Top 20 Reasons Moms of Kids With Special Needs ROCK

2010-09-23T17:36:00.001-05:00

I ran across this on a fellow special mama's facebook page...I just needed to share it to spread the word about how great all those special mamas are out there, every day all day.

1) Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much. But we do do it all -- and then some.

2) Because we've discovered patience we never knew we had.

3) Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times or 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.

4) Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. Take THAT, naysaying doctors of the world!

5) Because we have bad days and breakdowns and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.

6) Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, the rude remarks. (Well, mostly gracefully.)

7) Because we manage to get ourselves together and get out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good!

8) Because we are strong. Man, are we strong. Who knew we could be this strong?

9) Because we aren't just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches and cheerleaders. Whew!

10) Because we work overtime every single day.

11) Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate or Pirate's Booty or gourmet cheese (which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities, but should be).

12) Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more.

13) Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and then we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our families. And our hairstylists, of course.

14) Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.

15) Because we understand our kids better than anyone else -- even if they can't talk; even if they can't gesture; even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.

16) Because we never stop pushing for our kids.

17) Because we never stop hoping for them, either.

18) Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal -- even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.

19) Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids -- not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.

20) Because ... well, you tell me.

The Quirks and Thoughts That Develop After You've Lost a ChildD

2010-09-20T12:07:00.003-05:00

I have blogged lately about being in a good place with Rowan's loss, but that does not mean for a second that my everyday life has not changed forever.

Here is a list of some of the odd thoughts and quirks that I have developed in the past six months.

I have a blue and white striped baby sock pined to my purse, diaper bag and often times just stuffed into my pocket.
A few weeks ago I was in Carters and ran across the exact sweater that we buried Rowan in. I bought it. I am so not sure what I will ever do with it other than hug it every time I see it.
Every time Hayden gets a new photo in her frame on our wall, I change Rowan's photo also. Even though they are "old" photos and he will never have a new photo it is good to see it change with Hayden's.
I know that when I have photos of Hayden in school, in sports, at graduation, at her wedding, and then photos of grand kids...all the time I will have a photo of a baby boy that never gets older.
I am and will always be mad at the unfair hand of cards Rowan was handed.
Even though my faith is fading I refuse to believe that my son is no where.
A few times a year I stand in a fun Holiday isle in a number of stores surrounded by parents and kids picking out things for that upcoming holiday. Little do they know that I am picking something out for my child also, except I am looking for something that will weather the rain, snow, sun, and won't blow away. I am looking for something to decorate his head stone.
Every few weeks I have a moment where I'm like "Oh My God...I have a baby with a headstone."
Every single time we are near UNMC(the hospital where Rowan spent 3.5 months in the NICU) for a split second I think "Hey we haven't seen Rowan in a while, we should stop and visit him." I know this sounds insane and somewhat made-up...it is a very, very odd feeling. Somewhere in my head I think he is still there. Not at Children's...at Children's I know he died, but at UNMC I think he might still be there.
I have a Ziploc bag of all the greeting cards for the kids' baby shower and birth, a Ziploc bag of Hayden's one year cards, and a Ziploc bag of all of Rowan's cards from his funeral.
Every time we go out to the cemetery I relive the day we buried him. I feel the freezing wind, I feel the million eyes on me, I see his smooth clean little white casket getting dirt thrown on him with a shovel.
I am 26 years old and I know where I and my husband will be buried.
I have Rowan's "My 2nd Christmas" ornament...I do not have any idea what to do with it.
Every lotion, every candle, every cleaner, every perfume that I wore or used when Rowan was here, dying, or had died sends me to immediately back to that time place.
Rowan has a perfume. I wore it a lot last winter to appointments with him. I wore it during all his funeral events. Ryan thinks it is funny that Rowan's perfume comes from Victoria's Secret it is Noir.
I am worried that if we have another boy someday I will love him more than Rowan or less because of Rowan.
I so so so wish I had photos of him at his funeral.
There are certain streets I will not drive down because they remind me of him, and certain streets I love to drive down because they remind me of him.
I love talking to our pediatrician because he knew Rowan and he knew his strength.
I ask our pediatrician at every one of Hayden's appointments if we did the right thing. Every time he says, as a doctor and a parent he would have done the same thing.
Rowan's crib is still up and though he never slept in it because of his seizures and his reflux, I don't want to put it away or change his sheets.
I can't get rid of our "doubles" in our baby gear collection...bouncers, swings, etc...I did sell our double stroller and his car seat. It was a lot harder than I thought. I need more time before purging anymore.
His green soothie pacifier is still in the minivan. I really really want to glue it to that floor so that nobody ever takes it out of there. It reminds me that he used to be part of our everyday life.
I LOVE to talk about him...I LOVE it when I find someone who knew him and wants to talk about him with me. Most everyone is just sad or uncomfortable when I bring him up.
I think honestly about 20 people in our life have said to us "Hey I have a friend so-n-so and she lost her child. You should really call her or get together so you can talk." Why people think that is helpful I have no idea. I know what it is like to loose a child why would I want to talk to someone else who has lost a child? Seriously, it would be so much more helpful if YOU my friend would just sit with me and talk about my baby with me.
I have realized that at any moment anything can happen. Life is not as safe and unbreakable as I thought. Anything can happen to anyone for any reason...Take time right now to Count Your Blessings!
Priorities. Wow! Have my priorities changed. I have learned to surround myself with those who genuinely care for me and my family. It does not matter if they are my family, or I have only known them for a few months or a few weeks, if they are the ones who are calling and checking in with me then they are the ones I want around me. Life is way to short to have one sided friendships, whether they are family or not.
I thought of another one. Ryan and I used to dream about moving to the east coast or the mountains or wherever his job may take him...now we are both afraid to move away from his cemetery...or his pond.

Thank you for reading!

Where I'm At...

2010-09-17T18:18:00.008-05:00

Many of my faithful followers and family members have asked lately how I am doing as I have not updated the blog very much at all in the past few months. So here is a run down of how I am doing in list form (it is so much easier).

I am busy, busy, busy getting ready for craft fairs. I originally had six in mind to sell at, but I did so well at my first one that I fear I will sell out of my stuff at the second one. And let me tell you that it has taken MONTHS to build the supply I have. So I don't think I will be doing near as many as I thought as I really can't reproduce things that quickly.
I have been watching twin boys for two and a half months now. They come at 7:30 and are picked up at 4:30. They are also little preemies...so their care is pretty familiar. They were born three months early. They are one of my college roommates' little guys. Here is a photo of the boys and an old photo of us roomies circa 2004.

It was my birthday.

I know I have said this before but I am completely in love with my little girl. She is just perfect just as if I had hand picked every trait about her. She is sweet, caring of those around her, opinionated, so so so funny, she loves to laugh and make others laugh, she is always on the go, very observant, a fast learner, strong willed, and of course adorable. She is in LOVE with a stuffed puppy. "Puppy" is quickly becoming a member of the family. It does everything and goes every where with us.

I am still trying to get pregnant. It is proving to be difficult and trying. I was hoping this time around would go more smoothly. But I am learning to just ride the waves of life.

On the Rowan front. I LOVE him and MISS him and wish so much that things could have been different for him. Just the other day I saw a quick vision of two babies standing at the entertainment center instead of just one. But I am for the most part at peace with what happened. I know that no matter how I react to it or how long I dwell on it nothing will change. I love thinking about him and all of his chubby features and his snuggles. Just the other day I thought I'd give anything to get a feeding and meds ready and wash a feeding bag...I know many of you out there will now invite me over to "enjoy" that daunting task. When you do it 4-5 times a day it is not something you enjoy.

The pond is being worked on 4-5 sometimes six nights a week. There is a rush to get it done before harvest starts as Ryan's dad farms. It is just a week away from being done. There is a bridge going in tonight and I think with any luck mulch will be here on Sunday to finish it up. It has been running for over two weeks now. It is pretty cool. If you remember my baby angel(seen below), now it is in the garden near the pond and has a spot light on it at night. This is right outside our bedroom window. I love seeing my angel before I go to bed every night.

Ryan and I are starting marriage counseling next week. A month or so ago it was an absolute make it or break it factor...we had to get some help. Now we are doing much, much better. We are just two different people who show our love for each other very differently. I am all words...I can describe most any feeling so exact and precise (I am a former English teacher). He doesn't say it but he does things to show his love. He will do laundry, and help with Hayden (a lot), and most anything I ask him to do. But in my head when he does any sort of housework, I feel like I failed him and that he is picking up my slack and that he is angry with me...this exactly mirrors the old fashioned house I grew up in. Anyway, we know our difficulties and we are working (very well I might add) at helping each other feel appreciated. The counseling will just serve as a third party to keep us on track.

Ryan and I celebrated our four year marriage anniversary(ten years together total). As always we stayed at the lovely Cornerstone Mansion. I took tons of pictures with the idea to blog about it...but I haven't done it yet. I promise to try to get that up soon. Here's a self taken portrait to hold you over...

Rowan's Warmth hats are doing very well. They are actually our best seller at the one craft fair we've done.

I have been thinking a lot about a career move when Hayden and/or our other kids get into school. Most people have never even heard of it. It is a Child Life Specialist. Most anyone who has spent much in time in any major children's hospital knows what this is though. This person pops in and offers toys, movies, video games, plans daily activities, spends time with and just plain tries to distract and/or make children in the hospital feel better. We didn't use them much at all as our guy was so little but I could see where they would be so very valuable in many situations. There are a few more classes past my education degree and a 400 hour internship and a certification test to pass. Now I have years to think about and work on this, but thought I would share it. I think it would be such a neat way to keep my baby's memory close to me for a long time.

Hayden's skills...we are working on silverware and walking. I know she's a preemie but man I wish this gap between gestational and corrected age would close in soon. It is so so so hard to see eleven month olds walking all over their parent's facebook pages. And other kids Hayden's age talking real English like nothing. She does not walk or talk yet at all. She can stand for a few seconds on her own and she cruises on everything and uses her walker/doll stroller with some help. She is almost 17 months old. I am starting to get worried. She is doing therapy once a week and her therapist are not worried so I try not to be.

Husker football season has started. Here is a cute picture of Ryan's mom and her granddaughters all ready for the game to start. (Oh and there's puppy).
As far as me I am doing well. I only ever blog when something is upsetting or I am having a bad day. I really am happy most everyday. I think so many people out there think I am a very miserable, depressed person stuck in a deep hole. I really, really am not. You just get a very skewed view of my life. The thing is the less I blog the better I am doing. Blogging is my therapy and when I am feeling great I don't want to be stuck to my computer.

I will leave you with some cute pictures of my baby bug.

Super Cute Bathtime Video

2010-09-16T11:22:00.001-05:00

Rowan's Tile and The new Children's Specialty Center

2010-08-30T11:18:00.011-05:00

As my last post read, we were attending the unveiling of the Children's Specialty Center on Friday. I can not figure out how to put into words the feelings I had while touring this beautiful, thoughtful, state of the art place.

If Rowan were still here we would be spending a few hours there about every week, getting labs, doing therapy, getting check-ups done with his specialty docs. As a parent I would have felt so taken care of, so comfortable, and so lucky to live in a place with such an amazing place for my special baby.

At some points of the tour I was jealous that I would never(and hopefully so) be spending much time there. I was jealous that Rowan never got to experience such a place built just for babies like him. At other points of the tour I felt as though I and he already belonged there that we had already been there. It was so comfortable and familiar though I had never been there before.

I kept an eye out for his doctor's clinics, Endocrinology, Pulmonary, Surgery, Neurology, Hematology...

I asked about the hematology (where he would go to get blood drawn for labs). Anyone out there with a little one with seizures knows that getting labs done to check their med level is a constant thing. Especially how fast Rowan was growing. Anyway I HATED getting labs. At Children's Hospital they only had one room to treat patients. That meant that there was always at least a 30 minute wait. And this wait is not done in a nice waiting room...nope we were in a few chairs in the hallway right in front of the main elevators. So Rowan and I would sit there waiting, many times starting a tube feed and administering meds through his tube. And the minute by minute risk of a seizure. All of this while there are a million people walking by us and of course staring at this plastic tube coming out of my sweet baby's belly. And the fear that he would catch something that anyone of those people could have been carrying (it was H1N1 and RSV season).

Now they have a waiting room out of the hallway and they have five patient rooms. And this is the new department for all the hematology for the center and the hospital so that means plenty of people to do the job correctly. This is were I started crying. I just couldn't imagine the relief that all those other parents were going to feel the next time they went to get labs.

One of the other many cool things is "Kids Camp" It is like an in house daycare for the siblings of kids who need to go to appointments here in the building. As the parents come to the appointments they can check their other children in to Kid's Camp. There they can play Wii, watch movies, surf the Internet, do art projects and just socialize. At no cost the the parents While the parents are able to focus and fully listen to the doctors and the information given at appointments. Such a great idea!

Kids' Camp(above)

Rehab Department(below)

A feeding therapy room complete with a observation room next door for parents.

In this room there is an LCD projector that will project pictures on the walls to help kids look up and develop their head control while doing some of the therapies. What a cool idea!

This is part of the Rehab department...such a great place for all sorts of therapies...I recognized so much of their equipment from the therapy Rowan and Hayden had done.

This is a view of the hospital next door. This is where Rowan left us. You can see this view from his tile. That open green space was nothing but mud when we were on the 4th floor last March.

I found this blip of information about rainbows. "[...] Rainbows occur during or immediately after a rain shower."

Hayden loved all the lights above. They all have colored lights around them that change color.

Each floor has a theme that the kids can learn about all over the walls...the fourth floor was weather. And since Ryan is a meteorologist by trade, we made him forecast using the magnetic weekly forecast chart.

The water feature in the front lobby looking down from above.

The front lobby.

Hayden and Grandma trying to catch fishies behind the glass.

These benches look like caterpillars...very cute!

All the open spaces are great for energized kids.

The exam rooms are all big and have cool activity boards built in.

And the grand finale...
A little hero's tile...

His tile is perfect and it is in a perfect place. It is one of the largest tiles and it is directly in front of a great bench that will eventually be under a full sized shade tree.
I plan on visiting when ever I want.

Behind the bench is the large planter that the tree will be planted in.

A look from above of the memorial plaza.

Us.

And a few pictures of Hayden walking on the tour with Grandpa...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, to all of you who donated to make this possible. He will forever be a part of such a wonderful place that completely accepts special babies like him. Thank you...we will never forget it.

Today is an Important Day!

2010-08-27T10:20:00.003-05:00

Today is a very important day. Today is the day we get to go see Rowan's Tile be unveiled at the new Children's Specialty Pediatric Center here in Omaha.

I had a dream last night that I was sitting on a bench in the atrium of where the tiles are. I was sitting on the bench snuggling Rowan. I was telling him how important he is that he gets a huge tile all to himself with him name on it and that it will be there forever. I was telling him what a special boy he is and how much I miss him. I was cuddling and rocking and squeezing his fat chubby little thighs. I was pointing to the tile so that he could see it and I was reading it to him, it says, "Baby Rowan Ruhge We'll Look for You Over the Rainbow." I was telling him that I loved him and I was just really enjoying myself. Smelling his hair, listening to his sounds and just soaking him up. But of course it was just a dream.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to all who donated to make this tile possible. It is such a very very important thing to us. I plan on taking my grand kids to go see their uncle's tile. I think it was one of those things that was just meant to be...we slipped in getting this tile just under the wire. They had already sent in all the orders for tiles a week before we contacted them...but they let us get one for him anyway.

All the times we were at the hospital we watched this building being built from his hospital window...never knowing what it was going to mean to us. Most all of his past doctors will be housed in the beautiful building. I can't wait to go see where all of their offices are.

I could type forever about my excitement for this...in short...it is going to be a great day.

Below is a video about the Center...two of the doctors doing the talking were a couple of Rowan's Docs...at the end it show their names...Dr. Corely and Dr. Thomas. If you have a few minutes it is a great video all about it.

Our Talented Daughter...

2010-08-23T09:36:00.004-05:00

Hayden has some new skills that are worth sharing:

She can take the air vents out of the floor and then manage to fall into the uncovered hole. And get her leg stuck from the knee down.

She can now let Lucy into the house whenever I have the screen patio door in use. Whether Lucy is covered in mud or not when Hayden wants Lucy in she is in. Those two are thick as thieves...

She can turn up the surround sound system so that the neighbors can also hear "Mickey Mouse Club House".

On a serious note she is doing some really great things.

I think she is a few weeks from walking...she would much rather be on her feet than crawling. She is cruising along everything and even standing up against the wall.

She is talking and talking...well more like babbling...no talking yet besides "mama", "dada", and "baby". Some of her favorite babble words are, "Bickem", "Bickle", "that"(she doesn't have a meaning to this yet).

She loves to play "soccer" she kicks her ball and chases after it to kick it again...this is done with help from a more stable loved one.

Her absolute favorite thing right now is to watch an episode or two of "Mickey Mouse Club House". She only gets an hour of tv a day. And it is only during Mickey Mouse that she actually watches it.

She can clap now and claps at everything.

She is a dancer...she dances to everything...commercials, cell phones ringing, and if you start dancing first she will dance when there is no music at all. I think she is going to be a very musical person as she loves music.

A year ago today a baby boy moved in with his family

2010-08-22T08:13:00.003-05:00

Rowan came home a year ago today. Now Looking from the outside of the situation...that was a very, very long time to be stretched between two places, (home and the hospital). It was a very hard routine for all of us. They were born in May. Hayden came home on June 19th and Rowan came home on August 22.

It was such an unbelievable feeling to have everything we needed and loved with in our house. there was no guilt in relaxing at home anymore...there was no where else that we needed to be. We were so happy to be home with our whole family...we went for walks, we cooked super, we watched Nick at Night, and we snuggled cordless! Love you Buddy!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Well Here We Are

I'm smiling because...I'M GOING HOME!!!!!

That was the title Ryan used on our first night here at the hospital. It seems fitting on what is our last night here int he hospital.

This has been a very emotional week full of training and decision making and preparing mentally as we headed into the transition home.

We have said good bye to many people who have done so much for us. This is all we have known for almost four months. It is going to be such a change. I think it will really sink in when we are in our van with our little boy strapped into his car seat and we are heading towards home.

Ryan and I and Rowan are all watching TV together in the over night suite here in the NICU. Hayden is at home with Grandma Ruhge. It is really a weird feeling. I have was very overwhelmed when I could hold my baby boy with not a single wire or tube tethering him to the wall. We now have his home monitor on him but it is battery powered so we can take it where ever. We have been trained on his G-button feedings and when and how to give his medications.

He did take his car seat test yesterday. This is to see how well he breathes while being so tightly strapped in. He did not pass. He retook it with oxygen on and he did just fine. So he is required to have oxygen on while he is in his car seat or in his swing or stroller; pretty much any type of upright chair position. Which is fine with us. This may not be for long.

He has nine different types of Dr.s appointments from now to January. It will be very very busy. Not only does he have those he will also have in home visits to check his weight. We will see his pediatrician one a week to check his seizure medication levels. As he grows he will metabolize this medication faster. Luckily we live about five minutes away from his office.

Well enough of all of that (I shouldn't be on this computer I should be enjoying my little boy)...Tomorrow we are leaving the fourth floor for the last time. Wish us luck!

Rowan Sent Me a Song Today

2010-08-19T19:34:00.004-05:00

I have heard this song a million times in the past few months. It is such a beautiful song.

Today it hit me...hard. I felt Rowan immediately. I felt like through the chorus Rowan is speaking directly to me. I feel like Rowan is almost yelling at his bitter, crusted hearted mama to move on. And that he is ok...and that this is what he always wanted. I have highlighted in green the lines that Rowan is speaking to me. The verses are in my point of view...there are things in those lines that really rang true to me(or at least I hope they will soon). I've highlighted those lines in blue.

On a side note...I made a CD the other day for my road trip to the family picnic and for whatever reason this song accidentally was put onto the disk twice. I think someone wanted to make sure I heard it.

Waiting for My Real Life to Begin-Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

Here is my interpretation:

The first verse of the song is from my view point waiting and hoping to be free of this grief and guilt. I know it is near but I am just waiting for it to happen...(Any minute now, my ship is coming in, I'll keep checking the horizon").

In the chorus Rowan is telling me to soften my heart again ("Open up your heart) and become happy again ("Let the light shine in").

He is telling me that I need to understand that ("Don't you understand"), wherever he is now is where he has wanted to be he whole life ("I already have a plan", I'm waiting for my real life to begin"). Being in Heaven and free from pain is his "real life".

The second verse is me dreaming about overcoming the grief and guilt ("I slew the dragon") and I am good and back to normal ("I'm walking in my own footsteps, once again"). But then the first line of this same verse says that I woke up and nothing had happened...like nope the guilt and grief is still here.

And then in the chorus says, live for the now, enjoy life now, ("Just be here now"), move on mama he says ("Forget about the past"), I can see you getting weak ("Your mask is wearing thin"). That I need to trust him on this, he knows he is right ("Let me throw one more dice, I know I can win").

The next verse is me again just waiting for all of it to go away...I am expecting it just to happen soon.

And in the chorus again Rowan comes back in and tries to convince me again. That I need to move on and be happy.

And the last two lines, "On a clear day I can see a long way", when my mind is clear and I have let go of the grief and guilt I can see far into a happy future.

Thank you Buddy for sending me this song. I will try my hardest to listen to your wise, wise words.

A quick cute video...

2010-08-19T12:49:00.000-05:00

A year ago today...

2010-08-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

Monday, August 17, 2009

No Tape, No Tubes, No Problem!

Since Saturday morning Rowan has been on NO OXYGEN help at all! He does not have a single thing taped to his face!!! This was not the original plan with was another plan set forth by Rowan himself. He was pull his oxygen tube down off his face and had them there for quite a while. His nurse that day decided to see what he could do. Well it is three days later and he is still breathing fine without them.

Hangin' in his boppy with.......No Tubes!!!

Trying to firgure out what mommy is doing with.........No Tubes!!!

Just relaxing with........No Tubes!!!

Getting excited with.......No Tubes!!!

You have no idea how proud we are of him. He is such a strong little guy. We are also very excited in a practical way. This will allow us to be more mobile around the house. If we want to go to the back yard we don't have to worry about hooking him up to a tank, If we want to go to the basement we don't have to worry whether or not his tubes will reach. Such a good little boy!!!

He has had a few seizures lately so they are upping his seizure medication once again. Hopefully they will slow down soon.

Also they noticed a good amount of redness around his g-button and incision. At first they were thinking is was a scary infection now since it has shrunk in size they think it is just a skin irritation.

Today is a day to celebrate for two reasons:

First it is Hayden's first day back since having her vaccinations!!! She is a lot harder to take care of here at the NICU now that she is older. She does not sleep as much and she so dearly misses her vibrating bouncy seat. I am not sure how we are going to do this all week. We have waked and walked and walked laps around this place today.

Also today marks their 100th day!!! They brought treats to their nurses and I bought them a Mylar balloon for them to checkout. And of course we took pictures.

Tomorrow night we have our training for CPR, the oxygen equipment (we will still have it at home just in case) and his feeding pump. Ryan's parents and my mom are coming for the training.

They are still saying that by the end of the week he could be home. We got his crib all set up and their room rearranged to accommodate the extra crib. In the new arrangement the changing table is in front of the window. Hayden LOVES looking out the window. She kicks and "talks" through every changing.

I am also working on sewing him a John Deere bed set. I got the sheet done today and still have the dust ruffle to finish. The sheet is actually made from Rowan's Great-Grandpa Lloyd's John Deere sheets.

Our Weekend in Pictures

2010-08-16T13:58:00.008-05:00

Friday Night: hanging out at home playing with my new camera.

Saturday: very first shoe shopping.

getting sized she is a tiny 2 1/2

She loved the toys there much more than the shoes...that will change in years to come.

Sunday: Hayden and I went to a family picnic while Ryan and his dad worked on the pond.

She loved swinging!!!

And here are the pond pictures...

Over the weekend our fish of almost two years died...
My mom got this metal toad for us to put near Rowan's pond...
These were taken Monday morning but I had to include them...

A year ago today...

2010-08-11T09:23:00.001-05:00

Rowan had his first major surgery...he got his G-button put in and his "fundo" done.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Champ Came Through Like a Champ

Rowan's G-button and fundoplication surgery was yesterday. He did so well! It was a much scarier experience than we imagined it would be. It was a true surgery not just the procedures that he has had. We had to check him into Pre-Op at around 7:00am. It was scary not to have our Favorite NICU nurses answering the tough questions about him and also making us feel better. We then had to go sit in a waiting room. We were definitely out of our comfort zone.

We did take comfort in knowing that the surgeon that did the operation is nationally known and respected. He was very kind to us...that helped a lot. He explained everything in detail, gave us stats and drew us pictures.

We were told that Rowan would be intibated (have a ventilator do his breathing for him). IF you have been reading for long you know that he is just recently got his breathing under control. We were very scared that he would become dependent on the ventilator again and we would have to go through that whole weaning process again.

The surgery didn't last more than two hours and we went back to the NICU, thank goodness! After a bit he started reacting to touch and noise and started opening his eyes. He was very comfortable for most of the day. They gave him a diuretic to help with his excess fluid (from his IVs) and Tylenol to keep him from feeling to much pain.

Pretty soon you could watch his belly and see the large breaths that the ventilator was giving him mixed with other breaths that he was taking. It looked very jerky because he was breathing on his own. They checked his oxygen levels in his blood every three hours throughout the day and by 4 pm the nurse practitioner said they looked "gorgeous". They took him off the ventilator!! He was back on cannulas at around 200mls of Oxygen to start with. Over only about 20 minutes he was put back down to his baseline of 50mls.

Dr. Doom came in to check him out and he was very impressed that he was off the ventilator. Then he asked how much oxygen he was getting. when we told him 50mls he said "He's back to baseline ALREADY!"

Needless to say Rowan impressed and surprised everyone all day. He is such a strong little guy. It brings me to tears to think that he is working his chubby little butt off to impress his mommy and daddy. Well you are doing it buddy! We are very proud of you!

Bitterness: The Sixth Step in the Grieving Process

2010-08-10T08:51:00.005-05:00

I am bitter, very bitter. I find myself thinking the cruelest things about other people's happiness.

For example...there is some cell phone commercial running on T.V. that really gets me fired up. The woman is talking to her husband over video. She starts hinting to him that yes indeed they have become pregnant. Oh it is such a happy moment...for them. I on the other hand found my self yelling at them out loud that "they better not speak too soon because they could miscarry the baby tomorrow or worse your baby could die." Yep that was a proud moment for me. I hate that commercial.

I took a hiatus from the Nest board because of my bitterness. It seems that everyone on there that wants to be pregnant is pregnant. And everyone who has kids has perfect, healthy, happy, kids. It was seeming that no one on there has a care in the world that they all live very carefree lives. I know it is not true but no one ever really brings up their worries or difficulties. I was becoming the "Debbie Downer" of the group.

I watch twin baby boys all day, five days a week. I didn't think it would bother me to be around happy healthy twins. But the bitterness has crept through me without me even knowing it. I find myself looking at this sweet adorable baby boy. And all I can think is, "You are alive and healthy with your whole life in front of you. Why on earth are you crying?"

I hate seeing things about twins. It's like a prestigious club I was in...a mother of multiples...and then I was kicked out of. It's like yearning to be accepted in the popular crowd...you so badly want to be a part of that world but I know I no longer have the prerequisites to belong.

A few weeks ago while sitting at a doctor's waiting room I saw one of our favorites of Rowan's NICU nurses. I sat across the room from her out of her sight watching her. At first I was watching to see if it really was her before I went to say hello. But I ended up sitting there watching her with her with her toddler and a brand new baby (of which she didn't have before). I watched her be a perfect mommy to her perfect children. I decided that I didn't want to pretend to be happy to see her doing so good, that I didn't want to make small talk and for her to pity me and ask me how I am doing since losing Rowan. I was mad at her for moving on and having a new baby. I know this is ridiculous. I didn't expect everyone elses lives to stop...it just really hurts to watch everyone move on while my life did stop.

We haven't been to church since Easter. We are officially "Christeasters" as my husband calls those who only attend church at Christmas and Easter. I used to leave church with a happy clean slate ready to conquer my next week. Now I just get so incredibly angry. I want to stand up and yell at how naive everyone is being. It is very, very easy to believe in God when everything you are handed is wonderful. Or you are given problems that can be resolved through hard work and "prayer". Wait till you are handed something that you feel like you didn't deserve. You find yourself asking, "What did I do? or what didn't I do? Why on earth was my baby made that way and yours wasn't?" I am also floored on the lack of support our church has given us since his passing. We've been called by the Vicor once and that was in March. We had tons of support while the kids were in the NICU, but barely a peep when our faith really needs it.

I wish so badly that I could go back to being naive and oblivious to the worlds hurts and awful ways. I wish I could sit back and think, "That will never happen to me, it is awful but it will never happen to me."

Lessons Learned While Cleaning Hayden's Room

2010-08-04T10:26:00.003-05:00

Cheerios are the best when they come straight from the bottom of the diaper bag.

Any toy that I deem "give away" or "grown out of" ...is now the most amazing thing she has ever seen.

Even though it may look chaotic Hayden likes how her books are arranged all over the floor. She gets very upset when they are put away in their baskets.

Next time organize Hayden's books when she is not in the room otherwise you end up being demanded to read every book you touch.

I am not ready for my baby to grow up. I am not ready to pack away all her baby blankets, bibs, burp cloths, etc.

A clothes hanger is hands down the best thing in existence.

She has at least eight pairs of shoes she has never worn...baby shoes are silly items...but so damn cute!

Cleaning evokes lots of new words that only Hayden understands.

It's Perfect!

2010-08-01T21:37:00.002-05:00

It is black granite. It matches Rowan's Great Grandma and Grandpa's stone right next to him. Rowan is the seventh generation Ruhge that is(or will be) buried at this cemetery. Ryan and I will share the plot with Rowan.

We will be adding a vase to hold Rowan's "mommy grown" flowers I picked for him.

It does seem weird and surreal to me that most people our age are excited about a new home, or a new car, or a new date. We are excited about getting our baby a grave stone. Lately it seems that a few that are close to us in our daily life, have quickly forgotten that things like this are a part of our everyday life. We are not as carefree and naive as we used to be. You could even say we've become a bit bitter about life. If you are a good friend you won't wait for us to "get better" you will walk with us along the way with out judgment and with a lot of understanding.

Thank you to those of you who are walking with the "new" us.

The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Fifteen Things Friday

2010-07-30T07:53:00.006-05:00

I have not posted in a while so I thought this would be a good way to catch up.

1. I feel like I am cleaning house in my head lately. I have been sorting and throwing out a lot. It feels really good to be able to organize everything in there nice little labeled boxes. And the things I don't need to throw them out. I feel like I am getting my focus back and getting my priorities in line again.

2. I can not wait for this fall! I LOVE fall and about this time of year I start yearning for it! Football season (for the yummy football food, not necessarily the loud TV), the smell, look, and feel of the leaves, all the fun fall festivals (at all of which I am selling my crafts and Rowan's hats), handing out Halloween candy (Hayden is going to be a dinosaur), comfy hooded sweatshirt, having window and doors open all day in the house, ok heading to a football game or two (Ryan got UFL Nighthawk season tickets for father's day, and I love being back on campus for Husker games), hopefully all my mums will be in full bloom. It will be bittersweet as I have some of my best Rowan memories from last fall. He was finally "my baby" at home in mid August so last fall was when I really started to feel like his mama. But I am excited to hopefully relive some of those memories in my head as each fall smell, scene, sound sends me back there. Oh man I just love fall...I want it here now!

3.Rowan's head stone is up. We are going to go see it for the first time this weekend. A few months ago I could not wait for it to get up. I hated not seeing a marker for such an important person. But ever since they poured the concrete base about a month ago it changed. The thought of concrete and now marble on top of my baby is driving me nuts. This means it is done. It is all over. I really did have a baby die. My name really is on a head stone now. It is as they say, "set in stone" now. I know it is going to be beautiful and in that little cemetery people will see that teddy bear from a mile away and want to go see who it that important little one that is so cared for that he got a giant teddy bear for a headstone. I know it is good and that this is what we wanted (getting the headstone done), but I am very worried about seeing it.

4. We've been trying to conceive for four months now and nothing...it is getting frustrating, but I am happy to wait. It is not that I need a baby right here right now it's just all the keeping track and timing and charting and all the crap that goes into it. And every month that it dosen't work I feel like I didn't chart something right or check something right or something. I alway feel like it is my fault. Why can't it just be easy?

I do have to say though I am looking at Hayden so much differently now that I am trying to create another little one. Whenever I am so frustrated and upset and feel hopeless, I can look at that goofy six tooth smiling being that is probably on my heels at the time, and know that it will happen again because it did happen before.

5. I am doing that new mom thing...oh 13 months late...I am looking at Hayden lately and instantly bawling because I can not in a million years believe that that beautiful smart silly little girl is my daughter. She is actually my flesh and blood. I don't know who I thought she was before but this is a new thought that has just in the past month come into my head. I go in and watch her sleep at night before I go to bed and I am just so, so, so overwhelmed with love for those chubby little legs sticking out of her night gown (and the rest of her of course too).

6.I have met some wonderful people through our blog or else where online because of my buddy. A few of them I have been making it a point to go and actually meet them in person. I have had some wonderful "blind dates" as we have started calling them...at Panera, and Starbucks and all the fun places Ryan hates to eat at. I really really want to do a post int he near future of all the wonderful emails I have gotten from internet strangers that I have gotten over the past year. I may be emailing all of you for permission to post your caring words for the world to see. I appreciate all of you more that you know.

7. (man only seven...I am running out of things to say...HA!) On Monday Ryan, Hayden and I went to the zoo for the umpteenth time. It was very, very hot so we didn't see much we pretty much just went to see Rowan's plaque and ride the train. We rode the train twice it was a lot of fun I have not ridden the train at the Omaha zoo in a few years. We stayed on for another round. And Rowan's plaque is wonderful. It is in a beautiful place on the fence line by the "SkyFari". I just can't imagine how many people walk by and read his name. I think every time his name runs through someones head it is echoed in his head and he is reminded how important and loved he is. Thank you Omaha Nestie girls!

8. We have officially switched over to pocket diapers cloth diapers for Hayden. I bought one Fuzzi Bunz diaper a few weeks ago and could not get over how soft it was compared to our prefolds. So I started stalking craig's list for a good deal. I found one last weekend...20 mediums for $100. That's $5 a diaper...new they are around $20 a piece. I am so not above buying used diapers...I know it sounds so gross but most cloth diaper mamas are super heroes when it comes to stain fighting.

So I packed up our prefolds with tears in my eyes...and sent them to the basement. I am not ready to sell them yet...we'll see where we are at in a few weeks.

9. Last Saturday Hayden and I went to the Harrison County Fair (WOOT for Harrison County, Iowa!!!) We didn't tell a lot of family that we were going (because I couldn't decide if I really wanted to make the drive or not), but we happily ran into 2/4 siblings and 1/1 grandparents, and a few aunts, uncles, and cousins... aw...welcome to Harrison County. Where at every corner you run into a cousin. That is why I married on the other side of the state line.

Hayden and I saw all the ducks, chicken, bunnies, goats, sheep, and cows. We voted for out favorite artist (My sister Sarah), and did some shopping at all the booths. We picked up four of these great embroidered towel bibs from Zaiser Embroidery.

Then we hung out with my cousin Brandon who does civil war reenacting. Here's their infantry website. Hayden had a blast playing with all the stuff and climbing in and out of the tent. We took way too many pictures of her playing with the solider.

Then we ran into Great Grandma Stevens who came to one of the free concerts there that night. This is a few hours that I hope I never ever in a million year forget. I can not even tell you when the last time was that I got to spend alone time with my grandma. She made Hayden dance to every song and told everyone within ear shot (whether she knew them or not) all about Hayden and her twin brother. It was over whelming to see her so proud. And Hayden was very very generous with her kisses for great grandma.
12. (that last one counted as three) A few weeks ago we received a gift from Great Grandma Schwartz. She picked it up a while ago for no reason she just thought it was cute and would make a good gift for someone sometime. Well she ran across it in her closet and she knew just who to give it to.

It is so, so, so perfect. It looks just like my idea of Rowan and his puppies. There are other places in the yard to put it, but I put it where I can see him from inside the house. So whenever I want to see my baby I just go walk by that window...thank you grandma.

13. Tonight we are going to stay at Ryan's parents house. I have butterflies in my stomach because I am excited. Even though it is very, very stressful to pack everything including the dog and we NEVER sleep there, it sometimes feels like old times. That I am just going to my boyfriend's house and I have no scary responsibilities. And of course Fridays at their house are always pizza delivery night.

14. Rowan's Warmth hats are doing very well...so far we have sold 19 hats!!! That is $148 for Pediatric Therapy Center. I am really surprised by the response. Each week I am getting a couple new orders to keep me busy. And our facebook group has grown to over 200 fans! I am very proud of this whole project.

15. Here's a video of Hayden playing in her room...she is not very exciting but you can get a good look of her in her glasses. She is going very well with them. And she has started a new thing of which she wouldn't do on the video. She answers questions...all with a head shake of no but she does usually answer questions now. It is super cute...too bad she wouldn't do it for the video.

Have a good weekend!

One Year Ago This Week

2010-07-22T09:11:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Two Field Trips in One Day...

Today he had a swallowing study done with radiology where he swallowed a contrasting liquid and they watched where it went. Preliminary results are that he is refluxing (a little flap at the top of his stomach is weak and his food comes back up) but it is not going back into his lungs. So that's good news. Final results should come back tomorrow.

Later he went down and had a CT scan of his chest to look at his trachea and see if it is restricted. He had to be sedated for this but he did great. It only took about 20 minutes. He is very groggy again today. His temp is down now after the Scan so he is getting a nice and warm bed warming pad and warm blankets. Hopefully he can get it back up.

He has also been weaned to a maintenance dose of steroids. To help him out. He is on a very very small amount of assisted oxygen. He is doing quite well. He is around 5lbs 10 oz

All the tests are done now the decisions will have to be made. But it will get us home sooner.

Grandma "Woogie" has been watching Hayden a lot while we have been at the hospital. That has been great but I miss Hayden a lot. I am used to spending so much time with her.

The whole collection of cloth diaper supplies came in the mail today so we will be venturing into that very soon.

Monday, July 27, 2009

So we've got a show off on our hands!

Last Thursday after all his tests were done and it was shown that he is swallowing correctly they decided to have Rowan try eating from a bottle. To be honest many of us thought he would play with it but not really take the the whole thing. Well he did and he loved it! He did very well during it also. His breathing stayed stable the whole time. It was one of the best moments in the NICU. The next day he was still doing so well with the bottle they had him take the bottle twice a day. Then again he did so well so he was given permission to try to take the bottle every three hours. He still does well with this when he isn't pooped out. He is very tired at times. He is getting his tube feedings at a faster rate now too so he is being asked to eat and digest much more at a time than he every has. Imagine eating thanksgiving dinner every three hours. That tiredness you get is from digesting so much. That's the way he probably feels right now.

In the past we had tried to speed up the rate he gets fed but it had always compromised his breathing because of his reflux problems. He is at a much more stable place with his breathing now than he has ever been before so we are really hoping that all will stay stable even with the faster paced feeding schedule.

They are giving his a couple of weeks now to work on his feeding before talking about a G-button again.

The reason why he is working on bottle feeding instead of nursing is because I have decided to exclusively pump and bottle feed. It was a lot of stress to nurse Hayden and then pump for Rowan. And because she gets a special preemie formula twice a day she was really favoring the bottle. Hayden and I were fighting a lot with the nursing (tears from the both of us every time). This is just so much better for all of us involved..

He is still on the nasal cannula and doing very, very well on it. He is only getting a tiny, tiny whiff of oxygen from them.

The results of the CT scan showed something is indeed pushing on his trachea. Hopefully this is what is causing him to struggle with his breathing. There is an vessel coming from his aorta that is pressing on his trachea. To fix this is a routine surgery but still a surgery for such a tiny guy. The pediatric surgeon has been consulted to check him and his scans out and see what he thinks. They will then decide if this is something to go ahead with or wait and see how he does without the surgery.

There is a new rotation of Drs. today. We hope all that is planned will not be changed as the new Dr. starts making decisions. I have the Dr.'s permission from last week (whom we loved) to have her be contacted for a second opinion if we disagree on anything that is set to be done while she is out.

So many people are asking he is going home, we won't know for a while. There is still a lot to be decided and worked on. If I had to guess I would say absolutely no less than a month maybe a month and a half.

Miss Hayden is doing fine. She has had a lot of Grandma and Grandpa quality time lately while Ryan and I go up to see Rowan. We are still going great on the cloth diapers. The amount of money it would cost to buy pampers for twins out weighs the stink of doing it your self.

Above: Rowan wiggling after a bath.

Rowan and Hayden's Goodbye slumber party.

Nothing but a feeding tube for a while.

Snuggling with daddy.

A few pictures...

2010-07-16T10:22:00.006-05:00

Last weekend we went to The Children's Zoo in Lincoln with Laura, Gabe, and Harmony and Ramesh and Natalie, or should I say Dr. Laungani? (Ramesh just earned his PHD).

It was a really fun day with free train rides...yeah we have friends in high places!

Daddy and Hayden

This lion was the one thing Ryan remembered from when he used to come to this zoo when he was little. It sucks paper out of your hand...I think it's like a recycling type of thing.

Miss Harmony enjoyed the zoo too...she was very awake and looking around at everything...all that new discovery wore her out!

Ramesh wanted Hayden to touch a cockroach...she was interested but did not really want to touch it.

Natalie and Hayden looking cute.

On the train...Harmony seemed to like the train...all the lights and colors.

These two people in front of us stole our baby...
They had her almost the entire time we were there....baby fever???

Laura and Harmony snuggling.

Miss Hayden was very very ready to get out of the heat and get something to eat. So Ticos it was!

Hayden has developed a favorite for breakfast...she refuses anything but peanut butter and toast every morning.

Over the fourth of July weekend we hit up three different celebrations...here are some pictures from that weekend...and yes she wore the same dress for three days in a row.

Hayden and Grandma Stevens

Hayden and Jameson

I think I've Reached My Peak

2010-07-16T07:19:00.003-05:00

It is has been 126 days since Rowan died. And I am, just a mere 18 weeks after his death, feeling ok with it. Isn't that awful? It only took a mother four months to be ok with losing her baby.

I am feeling a sense of peace with it all. It is ok...this is what happened and sometimes it happens. I still cry for him, but not everyday. I still am so so so mad at the fact that he had to be the way he was. The guilt is still there but it too is fading. Many things still hit me like a pile of bricks and bring me to my knees, but not every day or even every week.

Every time I see a child like him it will hurt deep in my gut. Every time I see a ventilator machine on tv...it will hurt deep in my gut. Every time I see a little boy in blue overalls it will hurt in my gut.

But I think the worst is over. I guess maybe I have reached the last stage of the five stages of grief. This does not mean in the slightest that I won't visit the other stages at times. But I am feeling whole again even with out my baby boy.

Five Stages Of Grief

I think that if Rowan wouldn't have been the way Rowan was and that his death came as a surprise or was a horrible tragedy then, yes I think it would be taking me much longer to get through this. I researched how he might die a million times over...looking for relief for all of us. And honestly the first feeling that Ryan and I felt after he died was just that... relief.

I have now come to realize what life Rowan has given back to our family through his death. Being able to go out to dinner, being able to go on family vacations, being able to stay living in our split level home, being able to attend any and all Hayden's events and so much more that we have already forgotten we couldn't do.

We've thought about all the hurt that he saved us from. Even though we would have tried our hardest (and he would have too), I don't think he ever would have walked. Thinking about watching him not meeting those milestones over and over, driving a car, joining a soccer team, playing on the swing set, moving into a college dorm, getting married. It would have hurt like hell every time he missed one of those. He saved us from all that hurt.

And he gave his parents back to his sister. I look at Hayden now with new eyes. I can not believe she is mine and that she is so beautiful and so smart and so goofy and so perfect. All those things you are supposed to feel about your newborn I am feeling now. I felt way too guilty to love Hayden for some of her best qualities because Rowan didn't have them. I was afraid that would mean I loved him less. I love her more than I could have ever imagined.

And I think a lot of this new found peace is being brought on by moving on and trying to complete our family. I do think that if Rowan and Hayden are meant to have any more siblings that Rowan is right now sharing his puppies with them. He is taking his time being a big brother and teaching them things that only he can teach them.

The Things I don't know...

2010-07-09T08:20:00.002-05:00

I can do or know how to do many, many things an average first time mom doesn't.

Like: Replace a G-button, know what a G-button is, administer an array of serious meds correctly, check oxygen levels in the blood stream, know when and how supplemental oxygen should be given, how to order supplies, where to pick them up and how to get them paid for, how to keep current with my Social Security and Medicaid case workers, explain, and pronounce correctly what was medically wrong, better than any med student I ever met, how to check blood sugars, how to sooth a seizing baby, when to say good bye, and how to plan a funeral.

Yeah I can do all those things and many more that I am sure I have forgotten, but I am coming to realize that I am still a nervous inexperienced first time mom when it comes to normal baby stuff.

Like transition to sippy cups, or the amount of milk vs. table foods, the amount of sleep, the amount of time she spends upset. Even though I have worked my butt off to be the best mom in the world for my children...I ran out of room for the normal baby stuff. It doesn't mean that Hayden is or was getting less care than Rowan...it just means that I am not as on top of it as I would like to be. And that some of that, ok most of that stuff sneaks up on me until all of a suddenly I realize I do not know what I am doing. That is not like me at all. And it is even scarier to be called out on it when asking for help.

While other moms are researching sippy cups, organic nutrition, a toddler's daily schedule, and types of car seats, I was researching things like, lissencephaly, Agenisis of the Corpus Callosum, optic nerve hypolasia, Anomalous Innominate Artery Syndrome, and the list goes on. None of this was in the New mom/New baby books I had bought to help prepare me to be the best mom ever.

Even though Hayden has gotten and will continue to get the best care anyone could ever give her, I still feel like she was robbed of her mommy sometimes...Like why wasn't I reading books upon books or researching about the different types of car seats before she needed a new one. Why am I not reading books about my growing toddler instead I am reading books about grieving. She is still getting robbed...

I love her so much and I love the spunk in her personality. I can not wait to see who she grows up to be. I am sure it will be something great!

A few pictures...

2010-07-01T18:49:00.008-05:00

It has been a while since you all have had any updated pictures of our growing girl. She really is moving right into her toddler years...

Grandma and Grandpa with a very tired cousin Lexi.

Us at the Ted E Bear Hollow Remembrance Walk

Hayden goofin' around the house.

I've been talking about Rowan's pond for months and finally we ( I say that like I am doing any of it) are making some great progress. Here are some pictures of Ryan and his dad working on it tonight.

And while we are out here I'll might as well show you around my garden.

Above: cucumbers climbing up one side, green beans up the other side, and one cherry and one regular tomato plants underneath.

Never Saw Blue Like That Before

2010-07-01T07:06:00.002-05:00

As I sit here very early watching the deer out the window with my coffee in hand with soft music playing on my itunes...the only thing missing is the "rururur" sound of the feeding pump running for a 7 o'clock feeding. Those of you with babes with feeding pumps know that that sound become a substitute for cooing or baby squeals. That mechanical sound was my baby boy.

This is the part of the day that was Rowan and Mommy time. Dad has gone to work Sisiter is still sleeping and we would just snuggle or sit near each other and watch out the window for birds at out feeder or to watch the deer walk by in the timber. This is also where and when the lullaby were playing for so many quite mornings.

And here I am alone with out a little one to snuggle. The dear are here. The birds are visiting. I've got my coffee. I've got everything I need but him.

*****
I heard this song again the other day and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It has been one of my favorite songs since it came out on the Dawson's Creek soundtrack my freshman year of high school. I believe it was also on Ryan and I's wedding CD favors. Enjoy!

Never Saw Blue Like That by Shawn Colvin

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard you're name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, It's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And somethings are the way they are
And words just can't explain

Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

Rowan's Warmth Hats

2010-06-30T18:53:00.002-05:00

I realized that I have not officially posted about these on the blog its self.

In the NICU the March of Dimes hosted mommy craft days each week. Well knitting baby hats on a loom was one of those crafts. If you know me you know I do not like to sit still and if I have to sit still I like to be busy doing something productive. When in the NICU it is all you do is sit still so I caught onto this craft very quickly.

Lately I have decided to make these hats for other babies and kids. Then I got the idea to have each hat honor Rowan's kindness and gentleness. And then lastly I thought to have part of the proceeds go towards the Pediatric Therapy Center here in Papillion, NE. This is a great non-profit center that helps children with obstacles big and small.

Right now the hats are just on sale through word of mouth and here on the blog. Eventually though I'd like to get them into the local hospital gift shops as well as some of the upscale baby boutiques here in Omaha.

Even with just that little bit of advertising the hats are selling very well...I can not make them fast enough. Like I said I love the fact that Rowan is such a big part of something new in my life.

To learn more about Rowan's Warmth please follow the link either on the upper right hand side of your page or for all you Google readers here is a direct link:

http://ruhgeduo.blogspot.com/p/rowans-warmth-hats.html
It is worth a look there are lots of pictures and it has the whole write up all about why they are called Rowan's Warmth.

10 Things I Love & 10 Things I am Declaring War On

2010-06-29T13:23:00.004-05:00

I first have to thank all of you who reached out to me after that last post. Either through comments, emails, texts, or phone calls you all helped me know that I am not a lone. But mostly you validated my feelings...most of the time I think I am going insane and that I am the worst mother/wife/person out there. Thank you for telling me that you too feel the same sometimes.

There are good days and bad days...most bad days I blog because it gets it all off my shoulders for a while. d So you really get a screwy picture of my life...I promise I am not as dark and dreary eyed as I make myself sound. On good days I am out and about and away from my laptop so you don't really hear from me much on good days.

Lucky for all of us...today is a good day and here I am blogging.

10 Things I Love Right Now:

1. How much Hayden has become attached to me...I know that most of the time she is only crying and whining because she NEEDS me and she NEEDS me right now. It is very, very flattering. And Hayden kisses, whether they are for me, her baby doll, her giraffe, daddy, the polar bear in her "The Night You Were Born" book, I love them.

2. Any music by Colin Hay or Alexi Murdoch, The NPR show "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me", Netflix, ice cream, grilling out with a bottle of wine (and maybe some food), my garden, my Keurig coffee maker, caller ID, being able to be home with my little girl.

3.The pond for Rowan. Even if it is just a unfinished hole in the ground. I can see it in my mind and it is beautiful! I just can not wait until I can hear it out my bedroom window at night.

4. Shoving my nose in Rowan's "sneaky Sub" sleeper that is quilted into his blanket every night.

5.Working on Rowan's Warmth Hats. They are all turning out so well and everyone really seems to like them a lot. I can not make them fast enough. I love that buddy is a part of a new thing in my life. Like he is not really gone.

6. My dreams of my blue eyed angel. A few nights ago I was feeding him a strawberry smoothie and he loved it. Last night was not as much of a happy dream but he was there and I snuggled and cuddled and loved on him.

7. My pediatrician. After my break down I called and left a message with his nurse. He called back after all his appointments and spent 45 minutes on the phone reassuring a freaked out first time mom on a Friday evening.

8. My many Internet friends those whom I have never met from miles away and those who have become good "real life" friends.

9. The busy weekend ahead of me (yes this is a love). I can't wait to show off my sweet baby girl and eat, drink and be merry with family and friends.

10. My husband for putting up with his hormone injected wife.

10 Things I am Declaring War On

1. Baby Bottles. I have retired the bottle drying rack, the bottle brush has been thrown out, the pink washing bucket that came home with us from the NICU is now put away, and the bottles them selves have been packed away in a box in the basement. Cold Turkey I tell ya! Cold Turkey! She does pretty well but she does not get her full 16oz of milk in a day so that scares her mama but Dr. M says it's ok...she gets lots and lots of yogurt and cheese so she is still getting her daily calcium

2. The FedEx man. He was supposed to bring me my next case of coffee a day ago! I have been without coffee since Friday!!!! I had to go buy a yummy Starbucks Carmel Macchiato on Saturday to get me by. They say it will be here today....but yet again another morning with out my Gloria Jeans Hazelnut. It is hard to get out of bed when I know there is no coffee waiting for me.

3. My mommy muffin top. We bought a Wii the other night (a huge, huge splurge for us). I am doing the 30day challenge with EA Active. Yesterday on the Wii I ran a mile, did 20 squats, 80 kicks or punches while kick boxing, 20 bent over rows, 20 pull ups and a bunch of other stuff...I am so pathetic I am really sore today. My Wii made me sore, that's how out of shape I am. No really I think this thing may help me do the job...but no one will ever see me and my kickboxing skills.

4. Bed Time Battle Cries. We are Ferberizing hardcore once again. Dr. M said DO NOT ROCK HER! It rings in my head every night that she is screaming "mamamamamamamama" from her crib.

5. Unneeded grief. Feeling so bad about so many silly things...LET THEM BE and MOVE ON!!!!

That maybe it for now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Children's Ministry Team at Children's Hospital quietly send us books and handouts to help us with our grief. The latest book is "Remembering with Love" by Elizabeth Levang, and Sherokee Ilse. It has been wonderful (it came in the mail the day I wrote that last post). Almost every page sounds as if I wrote it or asked it a direct question and there is the answer. I want to write something from the book at the end of every post for now on...keep me on it please.

Facing the Pain

"Go through your pain, through the center of it. Do not try to run around it, or give in to it. Go Through it. Go though the center of your joy. let yourself rejoice in what you are doing. Rejoice to the fullest."-from Christian Wholeness: Spiritual Growth for Today, by Jesse Trotter

Too many pf us try to avoid or give in to the pain that life and death presents. We may not entirely embrace the joy in life either. In order for us to live life fully and heal from out losses, we can be challenged to face the pain, sorrow, and the joy straight on. We can dare ourselves to go through them, even though we may e anxious and fearful. We can trust in the wholeness of our God, our faith, and ourselves.

Today I can go straight through my pain, facing it squarely. I can also embrace the joy that is still in my life

The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me -?-?-?-?

2010-06-25T11:38:00.003-05:00

I am having a break down...not sure what kind of break down but it is here. My walls of steel are officially walls of Jello.

I am getting to the point where I look at my car keys and think...what if? What if I just got in the car and drove away? Would I feel better? Would it really be that big of a deal? I don't bring any money in, I don't do very good with the house work anymore, I can barely figure out what the H Hayden needs/wants anymore. Would it really matter all that much? The most I do around here is spend money. Money I did not do anything to earn. But honestly the biggest things I am running away from are in my head and unfortunately that goes with me.

I am wondering if I scared away all my family and friends with my bad attitude and snarky comments. For a while there I was becoming overwhelmed with the offers for Hayden and I to go here with them, or for them to come here, or for us to do that. I guess I did not except enough of them at the time because they have stopped calling...again. For the second time in my life I am that friend that you are not really sure if you should call, or what to say when you call, or if I will even answer the phone. This branch of the Ruhges have disappeared again it seems.

I have no freakin' clue how to raise my one year old. She cries and cries and cries and cries. She is not getting enough to eat because she is running all over the place. I can't get her onto a sippy cup and if I do it cold turkey she won't drink her milk. There is this look she gives me sometimes that I swear she is saying, "You don't have a clue how to make me happy. You do not know the first thing to raising a baby. Leave me alone and go find someone who does." Most things baby raising you can call up your mother and say "Hey mom when one of us did this, what did you do?" My mother is pretty much non existent to most things here is reality. And in our house growing up there was always a lot more yelling than parenting. I am completely embarrassed to say how much I am resorting to that. And if I even mention my lack of confidence to anyone else, I get advice but I end up taking it the wrong way. I feel judgment when I should be feeling relief. Many of my family members have admitted that they do not know what to say to me for fear that I will take it the wrong way.

I do not think I believe in God anymore. I used to think it was a comfortable habit to follow through with. It has become much, much more comforting to just simply understand things like this (Rowan) just happen in nature sometimes. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no 'Why did God do this? What was God planning? What did I do to piss God off?" I am very sick of the God talk. This is very very harsh but I wish I was still naive to believe that He is in control. I have always hated that term..."We are his sheep". Isn't that an insult? Are we are just dumb enough to follow around someone else without our own thoughts and ideas about life? Hayden will be read bible stories and she will attend Sunday school and we will probably continue to attend church, because the values that are taught by the church are ones to live by with or without the whole "God" concept. There is that line in that song..."Save a space for me, Save some grace for me." So if there is a God I hope my blue eyed angel can say a few words and get me in...

Ryan wants another baby. Yeah I know... No really I want one too and I want one now. I have no freaking clue where this want comes from. Hell we have had enough to deal with until we are 80 why on earth would we add to it? So I went off of Zoloft (yeah read above and you know that was a bad idea). I have gone through two cycles of hormone therapy...and nothing. The thing is with the hormone therapy there is absolutely no way to just stop charting and temping and checking and just "see what happens". If I do that I end up having miscarriages again...if I were to actually get pregnant. And having pregnancy hormones put into my body...I have every pregnancy symptom in the book ailing me...so I am just sure I am pregnant. Stick after stick, after stick says..."not pregnant". And then I realize I just spent $30 for a few pieces of plastic to ruin my week. The next step is another type of hormone...and guess what the risk is with that one ...twins. Good God!

I have thought of writing a ghost blog so that I could be this honest without everyone I know, knowing about it...but I do not think many people I know are actually reading this blog anymore. Notice the incredible lack on comments in the last month or so. Love You Laura, thanks for always reading!

The surprises...

2010-06-22T11:19:00.003-05:00

The other day while cleaning out the closet preparing for our garage sale I came across the kids' hallmark ornaments for next year. It is a white with red and green polk-a-dots number 2 with a little bear playing with wrapping paper. "My Second Christmas" is its title. It sneaked (did you "snuck" is not a word?) up on me... My baby boy won't have a second Christmas...What the H do I do with an ornament that honors his second Christmas when he wasn't lucky enough to even see his "GD" 2nd Christmas...

There is a blueish green Soothie pacifier on the floor of our van. I have yelled at Ryan for trying to remove it. It was Buddy's though he never used it I know it was his and it fell out of his car seat one day. I am debating whether or not to hot glue it to the floor so that it will never be picked up.

Yesterday while at Hayden's eye appointment I had to rattle off her medical history to the nurse. Something I had done one billion times in the last year, but for Rowan. I talked of her grandparents and great grandparents and parents and then realized...oh yeah...Rowan is part of her medical history. Surprise!!! I started crying when I tried to tell the nurse about him...I have never done that before. When taking about him medically I can always get through it. I could not control myself. I had to leave Hayden with the nurse while I went to the bathroom to get myself back together. For the rest of her life she will have to list her late twin brother with her medical history.

This morning (which prompted this post) I was looking for more jet dry in the kitchen cabinet under the sink and ...Wham!!! Surprise!!! There was the empty Tide jug that we were using for Rowan's Sharps when we were testing his blood sugars five times a day. How on earth had that not gotten thrown out by now...I have no idea...but it hit me and it hit me hard. This seems so weird but inside that jug is Rowan's DNA and it is scientifically connected to him more than his clothes, his lotions, his crib, pictures, his blue sock I carry around. Inside that jug is part of him. Don't worry I will not be carrying around a used lancet...they will get thrown out but I will not be the one to throw them out.

I have been corresponding with someone over email today and they reminded me of his "Nanners" video. So I went to watch it. I was prepared for the video not for the following paragraph:

"At least once of week while I am getting Rowan to bed. I am overwhelmed by his strength and his determination. I pick him up and snuggle him and sway with him and kiss his ear, his cheek, his nose, his head, his fingers...and I apologize to him profusely that I can not fix all of his obstacles...that I can not make everything all better for him. I tell him I will be his mama forever, and that I will try my very hardest to be as strong as he is. And I cry...while he melts into my chest. This happens so often that Ryan no longer asks what is wrong when I come out of Rowan's room with red puffy eyes."- 2/5/2010

The surprises hurt and hurt bad...but I welcome them as they help me remember my buddy.

Little (big) Miss Hayden

2010-06-22T07:51:00.004-05:00

It has been such a long time since I have given a Hayden update so here it is.

First off as much as this blog makes me sound like I am holed up in a dark room crying my life away...I am not. Hayden in the love of my life and I try to enjoy every minute with her, because I know it is a gift. Even the stinky, grumpy, pulling weird things out of her mouth, finding macaroni in odd places, minutes.

She is on the move! She can crawl anywhere she want at an impressive speed. Everything...Everything goes into her mouth. One of my plants has zero leaves on it where reachable by her as she has ate them all. She is pulling up on everything too. She loves to stand and gets the silliest little smile on her face because she is so proud...(I think she is just mimicking the proud goofy smile on my face.) Her newest skill is that she can now sit up from the crawling position. This is great as she used to yell when she wanted to sit up and couldn't.

We still go to therapy twice a week to help close in her two month gap. the other day she walked for 50 feet with a little toy push walker. She also can climb the stairs at the center too! Every other week she gets OT to help her with her fine motor skills. She is just one point behind on the standardized test but I figured while we are there anyway why not get a boost.

The newest thing is that this tiny little girl is very farsighted and needs to get glasses. This is most likely caused by all the oxygen she got as a tiny preemie. I am not sure how to keep glasses on a one year old. I know there are straps and such but it breaks my heart to put a big hunk of plastic on my beautiful baby girl's face. I am not handling this well at all...so much that I want a second opinion...the trouble is we went to the top guy in the city.

She gives unsolicited kisses now to mommy only...and sometimes she will give daddy kisses when he asks for them...poor daddy.

I sing to her all. the. time. I have noticed her humming back to me. It is so sweet.

When I am talking on the phone she thinks I am talking to her so she talks to me...and when I laugh she mimics my laugh.

She still does such a nice job playing on her own. She is very confident and independent. When she is in her crib for naps or bed and she is not quite ready to sleep...she plays and talks to her self. I am very proud that she is comfortable with things like this...It means we have given her and taught her that her environment is safe. She is a pretty well Feberized baby. Though with all the calories she is burning lately she is waking very early to eat again. No more 7-9 stretches.

When I am working near by her playing I look at her once in a while and smile at her and she smiles back and we both go back to what we were doing.

Her hair is really coming in though I still have no idea what color it is. I think a strawberry blond today.

Her favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, baked beans, yogurt, broccoli and cheese, pizza and Mandarin oranges.

13 months into it and we are still doing cloth diapers and still loving it. I totally recommend them still to anyone.

She has 5-6 teeth and more coming in by the day. Two on the bottom and a ton on the top.

She says "mama" and "dadda" and both actually mean us...for a while she said them with no meaning behind them.

She starts her next round of swim lessons next week. I am excited to see how well she will do this time around now that she has conquered so much out of the water.

She has her own room again with all her things in it. She plays in there quite often now, but she also still has the living room full of toys and the play area in the basement...she runs our house.

She has been home with us for one year and three days...

Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

A year ago today...

2010-06-19T11:53:00.002-05:00

...A beautiful baby girl came home to her momma and daddy! So we have had her as our very own for one year. It was a very hard six weeks to not have her as ours...it was such a wonderful feeling to have our own baby!!!

Below is the link to the post from that time...

http://ruhgeduo.blogspot.com/2009/06/as-ups-and-downs-get-deeper-and-higher.html

A Father's Love

2010-06-17T08:35:00.003-05:00

In Honor of Father's Day I want to thank those fathers in my life...whether they are my father, my father-in-law, or uncles, or grandpas, and of course my husband you all are wonderful. You are many times a rock in my stormy sea. Thank you for all that you have said through all the things that you have done.

There is a lesson that has taken me a very long time to learn about these Ruhge men. Most of the time they won't say I love you, they will only show you that they love you by doing something for you. This song reminds me very much of one of those Ruhge men.

Never in my life thought I'd post a song by a guy named "Bucky"

A Father's Love (The Only Way He Knew How)

Bucky Covington

For the longest time guess I thought he didn’t give a damn
Hard to read, hard to please, yeah that was my old man
On the day I left for college, it was nothing new
We never had the heart to heart, there was too much to do

He checked the air in my tires, the belts and all the spark plug wires
He said, “when in hell’s the last time you had this oil changed?”
And as I pulled out the drive, he said “be sure to call your mom sometime”
And I didn’t hear it then, but I hear it now,
He was saying I love you…the only way he knew how.

A 120,000 miles, six years down the road
A brand new life and a brand new wife and we’d just bought our first home
When he finally came to visit, I thought he’d be so proud
He never said he liked the place, he just got his tool belt out

And put new locks on the doors, went back and forth to the hardware store
Said ‘come and hold this flashlight,’ as he crawled beneath the sand
These old wires ain’t up to code and that old circuit box is going to overload
And I didn’t hear it then, but I hear it now
He was saying I love you…the only way he knew how

Last Sunday we all gathered for his 65th birthday,
I knew he’d stiffen up but I hugged him anyway,
When it was finally time to say goodbye I knew what was next,
Just like he always does, right before we left…

He checked the air in my tires, the belts and all the spark plug wires
He said, “when in hell’s the last time you had this oil changed?”
And as I pulled out the drive, he said “be sure to call your mom sometime”
And I didn’t hear it then, but I hear it now,
He was saying I love you,
He was saying I love you…the only way he knew how.

His Temporary Home

2010-06-11T12:09:00.003-05:00

If you'd believe me, despite my love for all types of music, there are some songs that I refuse to *really* listen to because I know they hit a little too close to home.

My sister pointed this one out to me this morning...I had heard it before and had assumed that it would be a hard one to digest into my mind. So I didn't really listen to the words. This morning I did. Here is the last third of the song (with a minor edit).

Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood

Little man, hospital bed,
The room is filled with people he loves.
And he whispers don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face."

"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home."

This is our temporary home.

Some Wonderful Ladies Stopped By Today...

2010-06-09T16:07:00.005-05:00

...and brought this absolutely perfect memento honoring my baby boy. A month or so ago I picked out a few articles of clothing and a couple of his blankets and loaned them to three wonderful local nestie girls ("brynners", "KelleyGreen", and "am073104").

Today they returned the items better than ever(except when they were adorning a chubby little boy) in the form of a quilt

I knew it was a quilt but I had no idea it was going to have pictures and quotes and scriptures. It is beyond perfect. Thank you ladies so much...I will be cuddling this when I am 85 in my retirement home.

Notice the wild woman's(Hayden) foot as she makes her way out of the shoot just in time.
This moose sleeper (above) is my absolute favorite piece of clothing he had. It always had a sticky residue from the forgotten name tag stickers he would get at Children's appointments. They got washed and dried on there a few too many times.

All the writing is embroidered onto the fabric. I love that this is done with such care so much that I am not afraid to use it...I know it won't fall apart any time soon (like my own poor attempts at quilting).

LOVE it, LOVE it, LOVE it ladies...not much more I can say other than thank you for life.

If I Were a Painter

2010-06-08T09:26:00.003-05:00

We'll let Nora doing the talking today...

Painter's Song by Nora Jones

If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way for you to be with me

We'd be there together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see

And I'm dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face
And I think my brush would take me there
But only...

If I were a painter
And could paint a memory
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you
I'd climb inside the skies to be with you

Vocabulary Time

2010-06-07T18:14:00.003-05:00

Grief: (n) keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

Grief is just a word for something that cannot be described. Reading the definition of grief makes others feel like they have a valid opinion on what grief feels like.

Astonish: (v) surprise or impress greatly.

I am astonished by how quickly everyone has forgotten about my baby boy. Astonishment describes the look on my face when his name is not brought up at all in conversation. It astonishes me to think that his name is not screaming in the minds of others as it does mine.

Social Skills: (n) Ability to communicate, persuade, and interact with other members of the society, without undue conflict or disharmony.

I have none. They have left me. I cannot communicate “without undue conflict or disharmony.” I’d rather not be around people...we’d have to sit in silence...as I am trying to follow the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Opinion: (n) 1 a view or judgment not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. 2 the beliefs or views of people in general: public opinion. 3 a formal statement of advice by an expert or professional.

Maybe everyone has read definition 1, “not necessarily based on fact or knowledge”, and nobody has read definition 3, “advice by an expert or professional.” Either that or everyone I meet seems to think that they are experts or professionals on the following (but certainly not limited to):

imperfectly growing a baby boy so that he can suffer for life, said baby boy’s exact medical difficulties and how I should have cured them, how to raise(feed, clothe, put to sleep, teach, etc) the existing child, what warehouse store to shop at, exactly how it is to lose a baby knowing that it was your own body that screwed up, exactly how one should move on.

Guilt: (n) a feeling of having done something wrong or failed in an obligation.

I’ve had it, I’ve got it, and it’s growing.

Sensitive: (adj.) highly responsive or susceptible: as a 1 : easily hurt or damaged; easily hurt emotionally 2 : delicately aware of the attitudes and feelings of others b : excessively or abnormally susceptible : hypersensitive c: delicate

I have always been sensitive...my feelings were unfortunately built with the ability to be hurt very easily. more so now than ever.

Insensitive: (adj.) Lacking in sensitivity to the feelings or circumstances of others; unfeeling.

Describes myself when others bring up their seemingly petty problems, but also describes others comments, opinions, and advice towards my own problems.

Hostile: (adj.) behaving in a very unfriendly or threatening way toward someone.
I am very hostile towards everyone lately. They say that anger is the second step in the grieving process.

"Step 2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.”

But I am not blaming others for my loss...I just am too pissed off most everyone’s stupid comments, opinions and lack of sensitivity that is best for me to be alone. See above entries: sensitive, opinion, social skills.

Partner: (n) 1 a person who takes part in an undertaking with another or others, with shared risks and profits. 2 either of two people doing something as a couple or pair.

My husband is my partner. He does not feel the same way as I do about many things but he tries to understand my feelings and I his. He is the only other person in the world that qualifies as my partner in this grief. He is the only other one that is grieving the loss of our son Rowan.

Respect: (n)1 : a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation 2 : an act of giving particular attention : consideration 3 : high or special regard : esteem

An enormous amount of respect has built up for those around me who always seem to know what to say and how to say it, many of them would be very surprised to know how much they help me. Moments and comments they have given me get me through tough days and will stick with me forever. It’s those who don’t say much but when they do...it is an immediate keepsake.

Fail: (n) to be unsuccessful when you try to do something.

My absolute one job on this earth as a female human being is to procreate healthy babies. I failed.

Protective: (n) wanting to protect someone from being harmed or hurt.

Hayden is my only child. I will listen to my own instincts and do what is best for her because for now my only recourse against what I couldn’t do for Rowan is to make sure I do everything possible for Hayden's well being.

Do-Over: (n)a chance to redo an action.

I want a do-over; a chance to develop, give birth, bring home, and raise a perfectly healthy Rowan and Hayden who will live long fulfilled happy lives.

One Year Ago This Week

2010-06-04T07:30:00.002-05:00

June 2nd, 2009: Hayden moved into a big girl bed (crib) and Rowan go to wear clothes for the first time.

Big Girl Bed and Big Boy Clothes

June 8th, 2009: Hayden and I got to nurse for the firs time. Rowan was doing some awesome things with his breathing. He got to try out a big boy bed for a bit.

Progress

June 9th, 2009: Rowan got to wear big boy sleepers, they did a chest x-ray and found fluid, so he started getting a diuretic, He is still in his big boy bed.

Hayden was doing great with her feeding, she was taken off any kind of meds, and there was a lot of talk of her going home.

Leaps & Bounds!

Moments

2010-06-02T09:13:00.005-05:00

This is something that I have been working on for almost three months now. Please read it with caution, (i.e not all at once, and not at work). Thank you for letting me share my little angel with you.

Thursday, March 4th: Rowan had been cooing!!! all morning. I was in the other room and I heard his sister and HIM making noises from his voice. Rowan rarely used his voice. But I could hear him "talking" from a whole other room. Later while at his therapy session he did so well. He was so awake and alert and was sitting up like such a big boy. I was beaming with pride for my strong little boy. He was doing things he has never done before,and all the while "talking" all the way through it. In that short hour he had come so far. Here is the moment...We were pulling out of our parking spot and I could hear him cooing still. I told him how proud mommy was of him and how hard he worked and what a strong beautiful little boy he was. I told him that he was doing some wonderful things all on his own. I was gushing with pride and of course tears. I was so happy for him! I cried and told how wonderful he was all the way home.

Tuesday, March 9th: While on the 4th floor of Children's I got to give him a tub bath. He had been very unresponsive in the days preceding. Hayden was in the bath room with us in her bouncy chair. I filled the tub and placed my chubby, little pale baby boy in the warm water. I could tell he loved it. He was wiggling some and making his little squeaks. Still no blue eyes though. I washed him...and then pulled him out of the tub and wrapped him in one of those wonderful warm towels that only hospitals have. Here is the moment...I remember sitting next to the toilet on a unfamiliar bath room floor. Snuggling this warm little boy, and for the first time in days he snuggled into me. I just held him and snuggled him and rocked him and sang to him. Sister played and talked while Rowan and I were in our own world. I loved his smell, I love how soft his neck was, and I loved felling him snuggle into his mommy like he knew me and he missed me. And then the Doctor knocked on the door. While she was talking I slathered my baby in his Burt's Bees Baby Bee lotion. Put a new onesie on him and some comfy jammies. I snuggled him in bed and he slept so soundly for several hours.

Friday, March 12th 8:00am: It was very early. I was alone in Rowan's PICU room. Ryan had gone home to get a shower and a change of clothes. You would think I would have been smothering my sweet baby boy with hugs and kisses and head strokes, but no, I wasn't. I was set up across the room with the TV on the local news, my laptop open to the current blog post I was working on with a nice hot latte in my hand. Of course as I was sitting there the guilt was trying its hardest to knock me down, as it has been for almost a year now. It was screaming in my head, "Why on earth are you not over there kissing him and hugging him? Why are you not making him feel better? You are his mother...It is your job to make him feel better! You need to be loving on him and singing to him and talking to him! How can you sit idly by while your baby boy struggles not 10 feet from you?"

I look over at my pale almost lifeless little baby, who only moved when a machine pushed air into his lungs. I would hear the machine click and then a woosh of air and then his little chest would rise. I did not rise to go over to see him...I have skillfully learned to overpower the guilt...though not very well. As I sat there and watched him lie there with the clicks and the wooshes and the beeps and the alarms...I started to see something else in my minds eye. Rolling hills of bright green fresh spring grass...a warm sunshine...contrasting with the bright colors all around was a little boy in a pair of dark blue overalls, barefooted, with messy strawberry blond hair. The boy is running around the way toddlers do just as they get confidence in walking. A little wobbly, with some falls here and there but nothing seems to distract this boy from the five or six brown and white puppies that are running all around him. They are playfully jumping at him and licking him in the face, and he laughs and claps and looks at me like, "Mama did you see? the puppy got me?" And the boy stumbling takes off towards the nearest puppy clapping and squealing. Stepping through the grass with his little toes. He is happy...He is laughing...He is running...He is safe.

That image is as clear, or clearer than anything I have ever actually experienced. It is as if Rowan brought me there to show me where he was and where he wanted to stay. It was then that I realized that pale little body over there was not my baby boy, my baby boy was up playing with the puppies.

Friday, March 12th 9:00am: A friend from our church came by to talk and help me sort through my thoughts. Of our deep conversation and all the questions and thoughts she gave me to think about, one stuck out. "Do you or do you think you will ever resent Hayden for being healthy while Rowan struggles so much?"

As I thought about it I started to see a picture in my mind of two little children sitting and talking to God. It was A little strawberry blond boy and a blond little girl. It was Rowan and Hayden long before they were born. God had asked them to come sit with him and he said: "Ok here is what has to happen [for a reason unknown], one of you will live a very short, difficult life."

Rowan and Hayden looked at each other and without hesitation Rowan stood up and said, "I'll do it. I'm the big brother and it is my job to protect my little sister." And with that it was settled.

So no we don't nor will be ever resent Hayden for being healthy. We know Rowan wouldn't have it any other way and that he felt it was his duty to protect her. And if you had ever met Rowan you would think so too. You could see it in his eyes; selflessness. He never once acted like he was miserable...he just dealt. We could all learn a lesson from that blue-eyed angel.

Friday, March 12th 11:00am: Ryan and I had just finished having a very, very long and emotional talk about making a decision for Rowan and his strong little spirit. We were waiting for the PICU doctor to come in and talk with us about the same. Ryan and I were standing in that huge, cold, white room. We made sure that Buddy had his blue puppy under his arm and that he was wrapped up with his soft blue blankie so that he would stay warm. He was on a ventilator at this point and he was getting paralytics to make him pretty much paralyzed so that he couldn't pull out the ventilator. That fact makes this moment that much more amazing.

Here is the moment...I had leaned real close to him and was telling him that we were so proud of him and that he could be done now and that he could go run with the puppies in the bright, bright grass. Ryan noticed that every time I said something, Rowan's tiny weak eyes peeked out. I was so excited! I squeezed his soft little hand tighter and said "Hello, my baby boy! I miss you baby boy! We are so, so, so, proud of you baby! You can be done now if you want. We will always be proud of all your hard work!" I went on and on, and I cried and cried, and enjoyed every flash of baby blue eye that I got. My baby boy was looking at me because he knew my voice. My voice woke him up and he opened his eyes to see me! I will never forget those baby blue eyes.

Friday, March 12th 9:30pm We were moved into another room that was more private...Rowan’s lullabies that had been playing all day were still shuffling through on the CD player. We were seated near the window of the second floor in the hospital. It was a wonderful view looking down upon the blurry reds, and greens, and blues, and whites, and yellows, the lights of the rainy city at night.

Dodge and 78th, from that view I could see two of Rowan’s Dr.’s offices, Dr. Legge (Neuro-Ophthalmologist) and Dr. Corley (Endocrinologist). It got me thinking of all of his Docs. How many of them were in the near vicinity? Those two and Dr. Raynor (Surgeon), Dr. Donavan, (Urology), Dr. McAllister (Neurology), Dr. Thomas, (Pulmonologist), and his nutritionist. And how many times had we come here for labs, or X-rays, or swallowing studies? And then the peace of our decision, and the peace for our baby boy became overwhelming...

Friday, March 12th 9:45pm: I was finally able to hold my baby boy at around 9:45 pm. I got situated in an uncomfortable chair. Ryan was seated to where our knees were touching. The TEAM, and I mean TEAM, of medical professionals were all around us at least 8 people in our room helped to get my sweet, warm, soft, baby boy into my arms. As I held him, all I remember saying is “My baby, My baby” over, and over, and over... The woosh and the beeps and the lights, and the lullabies. I stroked his hair, I played with his feet...I really couldn’t hug him because of the vent tube. Everyone left.

We talked to him and I sang to him, and sang to him. We told him how proud we were of him and how wonderful he has been to us. I told him that I loved him over, and over, and over. And cried to him over, and over, and over...We told him who to look for when he got to heaven...how many great grandmas would snuggle him and how many great-great grandmas would snuggle him even more. And all those Great-Grandpas and Great-Great Grandpas and their big ears. And a very special Great-Grandpa with whom he could celebrate his birthday with.

Friday, March 12th 10:00pm: The nurse came back in and we told her that we were “ready”. We knew Buddy was ready and we could sit there the rest of our & his lives and never move, but from somewhere we knew it was time. The nurse called the team back in.

I was holding Buddy and Ryan was touching him also. Our PICU doc asked if we were sure we were ready. We were. The doc came over and got situated and gently removed the ventilator tube from my baby’s throat. The hospital Chaplin came over and we prayed for Rowan and his safe trip, we also all three said the Lord’s Prayer over him. While holding my buddy I felt one or two breaths of his own. I remember outright screaming at this point, “My baby, My baby, My baby!” Loud, uncontrollable, sobbing screams. I now knew why they moved us down the hall...

It wasn’t for a few minutes that I realized that Ryan and I and our baby were alone in the room again. The room was silent. There were no beeps and no whooshes...nothing. Rowan was our cordless baby as we often called him when he achieved that goal at home. He was beautiful... nothing on his face nothing taped to his chest he was just in his tiny night gown. We passed our cordless baby between the two of us talking to him, singing to him, laughing to him, and crying for him and retching for him to be free and happy. His lullabies were still playing. A song started just as we knew Buddy was meeting God. We knew it was Rowan telling us it is ok, he's ok...

When all the world is a hopeless jumble
And the raindrops tumble all around
Heaven opens a magic lane
When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There's a rainbow highway to be found
Leading from your windowpane
To a place beyond the sun
Just a step beyond the rain

Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over that rainbow
All skies are blue, oh
And where dreams
That you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
And troubles mount like lemon drops
Way above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly, oh
If birds can fly over the rainbow
Why, then why can't I?

Someday I'll wake and rub my eyes
And in that land beyond the skies
You'll find me I'll be a laughing daffodil
And leave the silly cares that
Fill my mind behind me

Somewhere over that rainbow
Bluebirds fly If birds can fly over the rainbow
Why, then why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow Why, oh why can't I?

Friday, March 12th 10:21 pm: The Doc came back in and asked us if we wanted him to check for Rowan’s heart beat. We said yes, but we both knew that he had drifted away several minutes before. I was holding Rowan and he used that tiny stethoscope that we’d seen some many times. He looked at us and said, “He’s gone.” And again that uncontrollable, overwhelming scream of “My Baby, My Baby!” came back again. And again we were left alone with our baby boy.

Friday, March 12th (a bit later): The Chaplin came in and helped us make plaster molds of Rowan’s hand and feet (They turned out beautiful!). At some point here we shut off the CD player and had his “Monkeys” playing on (his Fisher Price Rain forest crib soother). The Chaplin left us the supplies for us to give our baby a bath. We undressed his chubby little body. I think I kissed every inch of his soft, smooth skin. To be honest his color was getting very hard to look at, at this point. He looked bruised all over.

While his monkeys played we gave him a warm bath. We used his Lavender soap and his Burt’s Bees Baby Bee Lotion we brought from home. We washed his tufts of blondish red hair, and behind his ears, and his tiny toes. We lotioned him up, that smell will forever mean “Rowan” to me. We wrapped him in a few big soft cushy towels. One of us cuddled him while the other one read his bedtime stories, “Good Night My Duckling” and “Lullaby Moon”. And I am pretty sure I sang to him...I can’t imagine that I didn’t.

Soon there was nothing else to do but leave without our baby boy.

Monday a.m., March 15th: I was at a local Christian book store picking out Bubby’s bulletin papers for the funeral. After searching the store for something special for me to hold onto over the next few days with no luck I went to the counter with just the bulletins in my hand. There was a small rack of metal bangle bracelets on the counter. One last attempt to find something...I found it. Only one bracelet on the whole rack read, “’For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord.”- Jere 29:11. It is beautiful and perfect and sent to me from my blue eyed angel.

Monday p.m., March 15th: At his visitation before anyone else got to see they were kind enough to let Ryan and I and Hayden go in and see our Buddy completely alone. This was an amazing moment as you may all know by now Ryan and I have a steel wall up around friends and family. Being alone with our Buddy gave us the chance to let go and really show him how much we will miss him and how much we love him. After a bit the director came back in...I thought for sure he was going to lead us out of the room and we would never have our alone time with him ever again. Not at all, this kind man offered something I thought I would never have again and I will be forever thankful for his kindness and his thoughtfulness.

He asked me if I wanted to hold my baby.

Immediate tears like I have only had a few other times in my life, rolled down my face. I sat in the front pew while the man picked up our baby angel boy and then he walked over and laid him in my arms. Mothers’ instinct...I started rocking him, and rocking him, and rocking him. His lullabies were of course playing over the PA system so I started to sing along to him. I could have sent everyone home and sat there and rocked him the rest of the night, (the rest of my life). Hayden and daddy stroked brother’s hair with me and held his hand and we talked, and talked and talked to him. We knew that we needed to lay him down soon though. I handed brother to Ryan and he gently placed him in with all his puppies and books and toys and blankies.

When the director came back in, I asked him if I could hold him again at the end of the night, he said yes. For the rest of the night as our friends and family came him to give their condolences, and even though I kept up the small talk...all I could think of was that I would get to hold my buddy again as soon as they all left.

Tuesday a.m., March 16th: At Rowan’s funeral I got to read the blog post titled “Lost in the Dark, Lonely Place Looking for Our Way Home”. It was an amazing feeling to be able to stand up there and tell this very large group of people just how hard Rowan and I had been working all year. Many people even friends and family let our family fall to the wayside; they didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing. I did not Rowan to leave this earth without everyone knowing just how hard he had worked. And honestly I wanted some people to maybe realize that they had been missing when we needed them most. Even though Buddy was struggling with all sorts of things and he was labeled “special” he still was a sweet baby boy that many people because of their own inability to be comfortable with the idea of him missed out on meeting and/or enjoying. Reading that post was my way of saying “This is where we were and what we were struggling with...Where were you?”

**I know there are many more moments that I wish I could get down on "paper" to help keep them in my mind forever, these are just a few. I am going to publish this piece and keep it safe forever, and ever. Family and Friends please feel free to post your own moments that you never want to forget and I will add them to the final project.

Songs that Break the Barrier

2010-06-01T07:57:00.002-05:00

When ever I need a temporary escape from my mind, and Ryan is home of course, I put my head phones on and push myself to just focus on the stories being told in each song that comes across my player.

Sometimes it works...most of the time it does not...here are just a few of the song lyrics that are breaking the barrier and reminding me of my reality...

Angel Standing By by Jewel

All through the night I'll be watching over you
And all through the night I'll be standing over you
And through bad dreams I'll be right there baby
telling you everything's going to be alright
When you cry I'll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So don't you worry
I'm your angel standing by

There's Water Over You by Collin Hay

I can feel your love come shining
all around across the sea
there never was a light more blindin'
ever watching over me

[...]

I walk beside you on the wall
of so far away
you will catch me if I fall
Can you hear me say
Love for all eternity
these are things you give to me

I can touch you when I dreaming
Long into the lonely night
You hold me when I wake up screaming
Everything will be alright

Prison Time by Collin Hay

Nothing left, and nothing came
Woke up this morning calling out your name
The more things change the more they stay the same
Like dodging rocks in the pouring rain

I wana know are you doing well
Cus baby from this distance it's hard to tell
I wana know did you let it go
Cus I can't stop my mind
from doing prison time

Someone left someone blamed
Stuck in the middle of a hurricane
The more I lost seems like the more I gained
But still I have to ask you to explain

I wana know did you take a chance
Or did you stay a victum of circumstance
I wana know did you find the door
Cus I can't stop my mind
From doing prison time

Nothings black and nothings white
I hear echos of your foots steps in the dead of night
No one's wrong and no one's right
I'm in the rain but I don't want to fight

I wana know are you doing well
cus baby from this distance it's hard to tell
I wana know did you let it go
'Cus I can't stop my mind
from doing prison time.

More Than a Memory by Garth Brooks

When you're finding things to do not to fall asleep cause you know she'll be there in your dreams
That's when He's more than a Memory

[...]

Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care
Drinking more than you've ever drank
Sinking down lower than you've ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees, praying to God, begging Him PLEASE
That's when He's more than a memory

All of My Days by Alexi Murdoch:

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I've been walking on
All of my days
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I've been trying to find
What's been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it's coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

Brahms Lullaby covered by Jewel

Lullaby, and good night, in the skies stars are bright
May the moon, silvery beams, bring you with dreams
Close you eyes, now and rest, may these hours be blessed
Till the sky's bright with dawn, when you wake with a yawn

Lullaby, and good night, you are mother's delight
I'll protect you from harm, and you'll wake in my arms

Sleepyhead, close your eyes, for I'm right beside you
Guardian angels are near, so sleep without fear
Lullaby, and good night, with roses bedight
Lilies o'er head, lay thee down in thy bed

Lullaby, and good night, you are mother's delight
I'll protect you from harm, and you'll wake in my arms

Lullaby, and sleep tight, my darling sleeping
On sheets white as cream, with the head full of dreams
Sleepyhead, close your eyes, I'm right beside you
Lay thee down now and rest, may you slumber the best

Go to sleep, little one, think of puppies and kittens.
Go to sleep, little one, think of butterflies in spring.
Go to sleep, little one, think of sunny bright mornings.
Hush, darling one, sleep through the night
Sleep through the night
Sleep through the night

I can't hear him anymore.

2010-05-17T11:24:00.002-05:00

I would do anything to be able to hear him. Cry, or cough, or freakin' have a seizure...I just want to hear him. I hate. hate. hate. that it has only been two months and I can't remember what he sounded like.

I am missing him so much it makes me sick to my stomach. If I think about him too much I feel like I am going to lose my lunch.

Every song comes back to him. Every dream every night he is there or his story is there. Everything comes back to him. The perfume I wear, the lotion I use, the flowers I plant, what day it is is, what Hayden is doing, what food I eat, how I wear my hair, That God Damned Shampoo bottle that stares at me every morning, the lack of two car seats, the lack of two high chairs, all the blue and green bibs and sippy cups, the weather... ... ...

The guilt is so heavy...

A few Randoms...

2010-05-16T21:48:00.006-05:00

I have been out of commission lately as I had oral surgery. I did not expect to be knocked down quite as hard as I was. I had six teeth removed four of them impacted, two of which were in the roof of my mouth. NOT FUN...I have stitches in all areas of my mouth it seems...So anyway the last few days I have forced myself out of bed and back into the real world. I am not the sittin' still type. I like to be on top of everything...Not possible when ice packs and Tylenol Hydrocodone are your two newest best friends.

On that note...I have never been able to understand why people get addicted to prescription pain killers. I now know exactly why. I can feel the real desire to continue taking them. For two days I had a medical excuse to take a pill and every responsibility, every undone task, every memory of the past year, was completely and utterly gone. And in its place...sleep. The ability to sleep with out any effort at all. It just happens...sleep just comes. Now I am no Marilyn or Elvis, so I told Ryan to give me three days and then take the pills from me. But I can totally see the appeal now.

Again on the topic of medication I am finally completely off of the Zoloft!!! WeeHooo!!!! I am very happy to be to the point that I can function with out this. It may seem odd to those on the outside that I would be able to wean from this just two months after losing my son...seems pretty backwards huh? There was much more stress and much more to be depressed about while Rowan was here and suffering.

Last Wednesday was the day I had surgery. It was also two months since Rowan joined the puppies in heaven. As I lay in the operating room and they were hooking me up to monitors, and placing the oxygen cannula in my nose and putting the IV in...all I could think of was Buddy. He had gone through so so so much in his 10 months...I can not even count how many IVs he had in his short life...at least 50. I was just praying to him and loving him and learning much more about his strength once again.

Hayden had her one year check up on Tuesday. She is 17lbs and 1oz. She is taking Milk of Magnesia for her constipation. And is taking children's Claritin for her congestion caused by allergies...who knew? We got to see Dr. Moffatt. We talked, and talked, and talked. We invited him over for dinner some time this summer when we get Rowan's pond put in. We also gave him a picture book in memory of Rowan to keep in his office. He liked it is so much that he said that he will be keeping the book for himself and sharing it with special patients only.

Hayden also got a book that was in memory of Rowan. These books came from the Blair High School Sped Dept. (THANK YOU!) Hayden's book is...On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tilman

On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the night wind whispered, "Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you... ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain
that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

The sound of your name is a magical one. Let's say it out loud before we go on.

It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze...
Over the ocean...

And through the trees...
Until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.
In fact, I think I'll count to three so you can wiggle your toes for me.

From faraway places, the geese flew home.

When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn.

The moon stayed up till morning the next day.
And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are
and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
listen for geese honking high in the sky. (They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely...it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decides to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in story of rhyme (not even once upon a time)
has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful marvelous night you were born.

We thought that this was a perfect book for Hayden but also a wonderful way to think of Rowan's short life too. This will forever for now one be a must have for every new baby I come across in my life.

Hayden is crawling!!!! She has PT in the morning...Her therapist will be so impressed by her skills.

On Tuesday...Ryan and I are heading to the Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City. We have suite booked for two nights. And who says the Great Wolf Lodge is just for kids...check out our suite...

Whirlpool Fireplace Suite

There’s nothing like a private whirlpool to unwind after an exciting day. Fire up the gas fireplace, fill up the huge, deep whirlpool tub, and melt into a relaxing evening. Once you’re done soaking, sprawl out on the king-size bed or full-size sleeper sofa. This suite also boasts two 27” TVs and a private patio.

Ryan is very excited for the water park. I am very excited for the no cooking, no dishes, no baby(at least for a few days...I will miss her like crazy though). Ryan and I are leaving Tuesday morning. We are taking state highways down instead of the freeway. I LOVE the scenic route...all the small towns...and little gas stations...I am the geek in the passenger seat with the atlas reading about each new little town we come to.

Hayden will staying with Grandma Ruhge and Lucy will be in the hands of our great neighbors.

I bought a bunch of plants off of craig's list from a lady thinning out her garden. I drove out to her house and she gave me a spade full of each plant for a $1. I have no idea what I bought...she could have been selling me her weeds for all I know. I came home and put them in the ground. I am very excited to see what blooms. I pretty much filled the back of our minivan for $14. Not bad at all.

I also picked up a yoga mat today as I am determined to get into a yoga routine. I love Yoga. I took a class on it in college. And with a not so great weight gain since stopping breast feeding I really need to get my "yoga butt"(yeah I wish I had a "yoga butt") in gear. Here is the cool part though...I found that Netflix has many, many Yoga and Pilates DVDs on their instant watch! And since we have a Roku box I can follow along right on my TV. And Hayden is the only one around to laugh and me when I tie myself in a knot and fall over.

Ryan and I are sleeping in separate beds...and it is WONDERFUL!!! I feel like a 1950's TV couple but heck I have had two great nights of sleep and that makes it all worth it. My husband kicks and snores and I am a very paranoid sleeper...If I hear one tiny noise...it is like the giant pink elephant in the room. I can not quit listening to it...and therefore there is a lot of groggy eyed resentment towards him in the morning. This has been working very well. Sleeping has become thing I dread as it is very, very hard to come by. It is such and effort to get to sleep every night...I used to be the type that slept as soon as my head hit the pillow. (That would be why I am still blogging at 11pm).

Ok I have so much more to ramble about but...I am not sure I will get my "To Do" list done tomorrow if I keep going.

Recovering from "Retail Therapy"

2010-05-10T12:05:00.005-05:00

I am the queen of "Retail Therapy". No matter the financial situation, I buy things to "make me happy".

I am all about living more simply though, I have the desire to live with much, much less. I do not want Hayden to start to think that she in only as important as the things she owns. I am trying to restructure my materialistic ways.

But (and this is one big but), as soon as I step foot into that fantastic mommy playland by the name of Target... all that simplified living crap goes right out the automatic doors behind me. I see all the wonderful things that I never knew existed until just seconds before, but now there is no way my enlightened self could never live with out this new find.

How many times have I called my sister on the way home from said Target, or Micheal's, or Old Navy...confessing to her that...I am going to be in trouble...I spent way too much..."but hey let me tell you all about the 'must haves' in my bright, new, crisp shopping bags that are filling my back seat".

Oh wow! I'm getting a rush just writing this out.

But the point of all of this retail reminiscing is that...well...none of this kitchen gadget, new sweater, sweet perfume collecting is really jiving with the whole stay at home mommy situation.

So we came up with a plan...Ryan would be the keeper of the bank card, I deleted my Amazon and PayPal accounts and I would get a weekly allowance...

...but that plan was a big fail! If anybody knows my husband you know that he is quite a pushover ( and I mean that in the sweetest way possible). All I had to do was ask for the bank card and he would hand it over like I was asking him to pass the potatoes. Little did either one of us know that I was as irresponsible as to go straight to Target (or my recent favorite, Home Depot) to pick up the newest self prescribed "Make Me Happy" item that I just needed.

So we made a very drastic decision...

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Beware for those of you with weak stomachs
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It was my idea...I want to do this for my family...and honestly I am excited to see how our life (bank account) changes. Will keep you updated!

Happy 1st Birthday Angel Baby Rowan and Baby Girl Hayden!

2010-05-07T10:02:00.007-05:00

Here is a quick flash back to their first day:

Daddy was excited that there was a Thundrestorm during labor...

Mommy was so looped up that she threatened to throw tootsie rolls to the passersby as she was being rolled down the hall (just like in a parade).

Rowan was born at 1:41pm.

Hayden was born at 4:38pm.

Mommy's nurse was also named Lacey (Hi, Lacey!!)

Mommy didn't get to see you guys right away, But Hayden was wheeled into my room before going to the NICU. Here was mommy's first view of Hayden...I even got to reach in and touch her hand.

Mommy didn't get to go see Rowan until 8:00pm!!!! Here was the first sight of him:

Happy Birthday Little Loveys!!!

And for all you Loyal viewers here's the much awaited Cash Smash pictures we had taken by Jess at Jaybeeimages.com

Will cherish this forever!

2010-05-06T12:37:00.001-05:00

Self Inflicted Pressure

2010-05-05T08:12:00.003-05:00

Pressure to be the best mommy.

Pressure to be the best wife.

Pressure to love my husband as I did before.

Pressure to honor my baby boy fully and correctly.

Pressure to not forget him.

Pressure to stay happy and perky for those around me.

Pressure not to fall into a dark hole.

Pressure to try to keep my faith.

Pressure to keep up with laundry.

Pressure to feed Hayden correctly.

Pressure to bring in an income while still raising my child.

Pressure to procreate as soon as I can.

Pressure to not offend anyone.

Pressure get back into teaching full time.

Pressure to be a full time stay at home mommy.

Pressure to get a full night's sleep.

Pressure to answer the phone.

Pressure to keep up my friendships.

Pressure to get off Zoloft.

Pressure to keep my anger to myself.

Pressure to get Hayden caught up developmentally to her chronological age.

Pressure to be my "old" self.

Pressure to help my extended family function as they should.

Pressure to be perfect.

Ten Things Tuesday

2010-05-04T09:48:00.006-05:00

1. On Sunday we had the much talked about Jungle 1st Birthday party! It was a lot of fun. Complete with a jungle (made out of brown paper bags and green streamers). We had a beautiful cupcake tower...fresh grubs(gumming worms), alligator teeth(chips), Jungle Juice (punch with gummi worms), and jungle friends(animal crackers). There was a Jungle themed scavenger hunt and even a duck pond.

Here's the problem...we had so much fun...I only took one picture. OMG!!! So you family members out there who were conscious enough to take pictures...please send some to me.

One of the balloons we had blown up was a super cute turtle balloon that I got for buddy when he was up at Children's. It had been floating around in the basement so I decided to have it refilled! So buddy helped decorate with his balloon.

Miss H is a very loved and lucky girl she had over thirty people come to help celebrate with her!!! She was surrounded by love the whole day. She also collected quite the mountain of gifts (which she slept through opening). But she got a good mix of practical things, fun things, and cute summer dresses. So we really were not as overwhelmed with toys as we thought we'd be.
This was her big gift from mommy and daddy:

Someone super sweet gave me this puppy for Rowan's birthday. It is black and white with a lot of different textures and patterns. He would have loved it.

2. Saturday morning the day before the party we went to go visit buddy. We brought him a cupcake with a candle (we were going to lite it, but it was too windy). A memory I have of Rowan that I will hold forever happened just six days before he died. We were at Great Grandma and Grandpa Ruhges' house celebrating Great Grandpa and Grandpa birthday. There was a cake of course...and my baby boy had a sweet tooth (though he had no teeth). I was giving him finger fulls of frosting (BAD MOMMY!!!). He little tongue did not miss even the tiniest bit of frosting on my finger. He was thoroughly enjoying it. So I just knew we had to bring him his own cupcake. Buddy I hope in Heaven you get to eat as much sweets as you want without the risk of calories or cavities.

We also found him a happy birthday flag. On Friday their actual birthday we will bring him his 1st birthday balloon and probably a puppy of some sort.

2. Miss H has been having a lot of trouble with this transition to cow's milk. She is getting very constipated...We have even gone down to 2% milk to try to help her out. I try to get her to drink water of juice everyday but am having no luck. We eat a lot of fruits and veggies and whole grains...none of it seems to help.

WARNING: Those of you who are not parents and have not developed a close relationship with poop be warned this next bit is a little rough...

Last night on the bathroom floor...Ryan and I "assisted" Hayden's pooping task. This was a very "hands on" activity. It consisted of Pedialax, a rectal thermometer, and a whole lot of towels. Poor baby girl she was in so much pain. She is on the softer side again so if only I can get some juice or water (or yummy bran muffins) in her and keep her drinking/eating it we might be ok...

3. A few weeks ago I posted "What Rowan Meant to You" Please if you have time reply to us so that we know how he touched your life.

4. This is my new favorite item of "baby gear". It keeps H on the floor with plenty of space to work on her mobility but it also gives me piece of mind that she is now gnawing on electrical cords or falling down the stairs. It is the best thing ever.

5. This is the one photo I took at the party. Hayden and her Great Grandma Stevens playing with her jungle.

6. I just put this together this morning...it was a gift from some her H's Great Aunties!!! I foresee many, many messy art projects in this table's future. It even has an umbrella. It is just perfect!

7. When ever my babies needed to be rocked or needed to be soothed I had a handful of made up songs I would sing to them. I am not sure where they came from just out of habit I would end up singing "Mama's baby boy/girl" over and over to the same made up tune. It got to where It was one of the very, very few things that would soothe Rowan after a seizure. Well I still sing those made up tunes to Hayden but I switch between signing "Mama's baby girl" and "Mama's baby boy". So Rowan still gets a lullaby sung to him by his mama almost every night.

8. I am absolutely wholeheartedly in love with this baby girl. I look at her and just can't believe she is mine and that she is mine forever. Before I was very afraid to fully love her. If I loved her too much...then I guess that meant I loved Rowan too less. I can not imagine what this would have done to her self confidence if it would have gone on through life that way. I check on her multiple times a night now. I don't really do this because I am worried about her being sick or stuck on her belly or whatever. I do it because I want to go cover her up and well...I love to see her peacefully sleeping. Yesterday I walked by her and for the first time she put both arms up in the air for me to pick her up...I melted right then an there.

9. My new motto is...live simply...simply live. I have gotten rid of my facebook (what an awesome decision!!! I encourage it to all). We have canceled all forms of cable/satellite. I LOVE that decision as well. If I want to watch anything I find it on HULU. The TV is hardly ever on anymore! I am taking a break from online forums...too many opinions and to much pressure to be "the right type" of mommy. If it weren't for this blog and well...HULU I would rally for no Internet. My husband says at that point he would rally for divorce. This all feels really, really good for now.

10. Help me solve two problems I have right now...
Problem A: Gnats!!!! They have invaded my house through the house plants we received as gifts during Rowan's funeral. I have tried the not watering and then just pouring in rubbing alcohol. I have tried watering once a week with a mixture of water/rubbing alcohol. None of it is seeming to work. Do you have any home remedies or know of a product to kill these stupid things (with out killing my plants).

Problem B: What to feed Hayden? Doc says most of her nutrition should be coming from table foods so we are doing so but I am running out of ideas for a healthy variety. Give me some suggestions (she feeds her self very well and has no allergies).
Here's what we are doing so far:

hard boiled eggs
scrambled eggs
white meat chicken (cooked in olive oil)
Whole grain pasta, plain (got a healthy idea of what to put on this?)
oatmeal
mandarin oranges (cups in juice not syrup)
peaches (cups in light syrup...can't find ones in juice)
green beans/peas(no salt added)
apple sauce (no sugar added)
small chunks of cheese (used sparingly until she gets over this constipation)
Yogurt
Mac and Cheese (Kraft & Velveeta) Got a healthy idea for this?
Ah... yes the much talked about Spaghettios. (These have been taken out of her diet, though she loves them)
lunch meat (Got a healthy idea for this??? All the sodium is awful in this.)
Low sodium Campbell's Chunky soups ( I really don't think this is all that great for her either.)
Ritz crackers, club crackers
We do the Graduates yogurt bites, puffs, and crackers as well.
She eats whatever we eat for our meals in the evening, but that is not always healthy for her.

Ten Things Tuesday

2010-04-27T19:24:00.010-05:00

1. T-minus 5 days until the best Jungle birthday party ever!!! H and I have been having a blast this week getting this ready...she has already received two packages in the mail...what a spoiled girl. Many people think 1st birthday parties are a greedy way of collecting presents. We decided many months ago that we were going to have a 1st birthday party with all our family and friends as this was the kids' "coming out" party since they weren't allowed around crowds of people. Rowan's funeral was the first time many of our family members ever met the twins. And the presents are an after thought any way...we have so many games planed and super cool decorations...and a tower of jungle cupcakes to have with your Jungle juice (complete with a worm floating in it). Can you tell I am excited?

2.Last week H and I went and visited a couple of very sweet tiny baby boys. Maybe you remember me blogging about my college roommate giving birth three months early to her twin boys. Well they are happy, healthy, thriving little guys, who are both home snuggling with their mommy and daddy (at all hours of the day I might add). We went to go visit them...H was enamored with curiosity. After a bit she reached out and held one of their hand's (to tell you honestly I have no idea which one this is...Marcus or Vincent). Yep that is a tiny baby I am holding...

3. On Sunday we (and by we I mean a huge crowd of Team Rowan members) participated in the March for Babies. As a team we raised over $3000. Way to go Team Rowan! Thank you for all of you who supported the cause either through us or through your local chapter. It was a good day, a cold one but a good one. We saw a handful of old NICU friends...got to hold Rowan's next door NICU neighbor with the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen...yes even bigger than Rowan's. Baby Charlie was born at 27 weeks I think...her momma was one of the first people I talked to in the NICU. We met some great new friends who joined Rowan's Team though they had never even met him or us for that matter.

The only thing that really...really...bugged me was that they advertise the March of Dimes as being there for premature babies...they never mentioned babies like Rowan. As we walked there were photos of local premature babies...not a single one along that 3 mile walk were babies like Rowan. The during the speeches at the beginning of the walk the parent would say...my twins were born __# of weeks early and now they are doing great...etc. Over and Over and Over...couldn't they mention the babies and parents that received the support for the more difficult reasons.

While in the NICU a good friend of mine (love you Laura see you at the Jungle Party!) pointed something out to me that had been bugging me too. She said she was sick of other parents at the NICU asking her "How early was your baby?". And then she would have to explain to them that her baby was not early but she still needed help. It makes people uncomfortable. It makes me so mad...I just want to scream at them "You are the uncomfortable one?!?!?...Really?!?!?...You are not the one who will not go home and live happily ever after...you do not have the right to be uncomfortable!!"---inspired from the book Shelter Me.

Ok rant over...here are some pictures of our lovely day...really it was, though my above paragraph does not display so.

Yes that is Hayden sleeping under there...She was quite content to be all bundled up and sleep her way through the walk.
4. Here are pictures from H and I's field trip at the Hot Shops Art Center...What a cool place! If you are int he local area go check it out. Thank you Mary for inviting us...we had so much fun with you!

5. Hayden had her last bottle of breast milk yesterday...My freeze stash last a little over three months! Now our freezer is filled with frozen pizza and frozen meals from Omaha Nesties!

6. We released Rowan's butterflies today...they were not going to make it to his party on Sunday...too many were dying of old age. Here is the video of us this afternoon...sorry for the part where Lucy eats a butterfly...not really what we were going for during this ceremonious event.

7.Here is what Rowan's Stone is going to look like... It will be 3-4 feet tall in black granite...the puppy in the block on the front will be a different one...a cuter one.

8. Last night was Hayden's last night of Tiny Toots swim class for a few weeks before we start another round of them. Here is a video of H and Daddy swimming.

9.Hopefully tomorrow we will get to see Rowan's medallion at the zoo while we are there for Polar Bear Club.

9.5. I deleted my Facebook as I just feel so overwhelmed by life right now. Getting rid of Facebook was one of the easiest things for me to do to simplify things. I have had a hand full a people think that I am upset with them as they can not find me on their friend list...I am not upset with anyone. Please keep in touch...my email is laceyruhge at gmail dot com.

10. A sneak peek of Hayden's one year pictures... (taken by Jess @ jaybeeimages.com)

Are you near me Buddy?

2010-04-26T09:28:00.003-05:00

Are you near me Buddy? Are you watching me fill the gift bags for your birthday party? Where is yours? I have all the stuff to put in it but now way to get it to you. Are you watching me on this rainy morning wishing we could snuggle up on the couch and watch the deer? Are you waking up wondering where you are? Are you wondering where I am and why I am not there to keep you safe? Are you lonely? Are you wondering why I haven't bought you a birthday present? Are you wondering why I am not looking at beautiful one-year-old pictures of you too? Are you running and having fun or are you lost? I am listening to your music this morning. The weather and the music remind me of some of our winter days together. I can almost smell you and feel you in my arms I miss you so much. I shredded all you papers for medicaid and social security. It was nice to get rid of those, but I wish I was getting rid of them because you were "all better" not because you are gone. I found of picture of you in your files it made me miss your fat little thighs. I wish I could squeeze them. Daddy thinks we are ready for the next step because we are empty without you...I don't know what I think. I just know the selfish part of me says I wasn't done with you yet. I keep listening to your songs because they remind me that you were here and that it is not all in my head. I am afraid to cut my hair or get braces because you won't recognize me. I even thought about that when I painted my toes...I look at my shampoo bottle in the shower and think that even it has been in our family longer than you got to be. A damn shampoo bottle makes me cry for you Buddy. I miss you.

A good cry to get it out for a week or so...then what...it will happen again...and again...nothing can make it stop because nothing will bring you back or make you better. And bring you back from where? I am sorry Buddy...I didn't do my job good enough for you. I love my baby buddy boy.

An old favorite song of mine for a perfect dreary day...ran across it again on a blog of another lost baby boy Embracing Elijah.

10 Things Tuesday

2010-04-20T12:29:00.003-05:00

#1 I swear Hayden's new found hobby is crying for no reason. She is driving me crazy. And I am sure this comment will cause a plethora of unwarranted advice from anyone who has ever had a kids or been around kids.

#2 Hayden has her first session back at PTC for Physical Therapy today. Again unwanted advice of "Oh she will crawl when she is ready" Yes I know she will crawl at some point I am not a box of rocks. But she is a preemie and she is falling behind even her corrected age now...so as her mother (and her Doc as well) I feel it is important.

#3 I hate how everyone has seemed to have "jumped on the bandwagon" of grief...Most of them didn't even know him or were not really there for us when we all needed family and friends. And then those that were there are seeming to now take credit for loving him the most or as much as his parents do. NOT the case! They will never be in our league...and I wish they would not act like this will haunt them forever because it won't...not like it will us...he did not grow imperfectly inside them ...they did not hold him in their arms while he died.

#4 Hayden and I have made a new friend at swim class...Turner is 9 months old and is doing the same lessons in the class as Hayden is. Turner's mommy wanted to exchange phone numbers the other night because they love seeing us every Tuesday night. Through out this week it has made me think about future post Rowan friendships...Having him and losing him is now such a big part of who I am. When I go to introduce myself I want to scream I had a baby boy and he died...but that is not socially except-able... but it is as much a part of me as any other detail you share with someone you are getting to know.

#5 The March for Babies is this weekend...it should be fun.

#6 There needs to be more daylight...by the time Ryan gets home at night and I cook supper and I can hand off Hayden so that I can work in my flower garden I only have an hour or so of daylight. I am sure the neighbors think I am nuts when I am still outside gardening after dark. And with Hayden's new found hobby of crying and smiling...we can not get out side during the day.

#7 I am grumpy as all get out today, this week, this year.

#8 I told so many people that I think the best way to help us is to keep us busy...well they are working too hard at that. We are too busy now...I want at least one week where we have our days of "nothing and nobody". Rowan and I would look forward to our days of "nothing and nobody". I love being by my self...I always have and now is no different...I just think people are afraid to let me be...and that is all I want right now.

#9 I am getting braces. This morning I got six rubber spacers put in between a few of my teeth. They hurt, hurt, hurt. They are pushing my teeth apart so that they can fit something in between them later.

#10 Hayden and I are going to The Omaha Hot Shops on Friday...we are crashing a middle school field trip...I think it will be fun...we will get to see glass bead making in person...very cool.